When the Coffee Pot Runs Dry
by Kwee
Summary: What happens to a certain caffeine-dependent Professor when he is suddenly devoid of coffee? Chap. 10 UP! WARNING!! This is NOT your average IZ story...^_~
1. When the Coffee Pot Runs Dry

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Invader Zim characters. They are the property of Jhonen Vasquez, creative genius extraordinaire. Also, any name-brand substances or products that I may end up mentioning within are the property of their respective owners...  
I got the idea for this fic from CryingChild's "Dib Gets Sugar High!". I just thought it would be funny to see Membrane freaking out because all the coffee is gone ('cuz that's probably what he LIVES on, ya know...) Also, I just like annoying Membrane...this is pretty evident if you've read my "Zim VS The Skeep" fic...I plan to annoy him even more in that...BTW, the coffee is gone because Dib drank it all (see CryingChild's ficcy) You are now about to witness the dramatic effects of caffeine withdrawal coupled with EXTREME sleep deprivation...  
  
  
"When the Coffee Pot Runs Dry..."  
  
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It seemed like just another very-average morning. He ventured out of his lab that morning, as he normally did, to make sure that his children were up and milling about, as they usually were. Also, he needed his usual morning cup of coffee to keep him going. Sleep was something that he never took faith in...it was really SUCH an inefficient practice...  
  
Membrane proceeded to the kitchen, where he nearly tripped over his children, who had run in and started chasing circles around him, or it was more that Gaz was chasing after Dib for whatever possible reasons she had come up with THIS time... "Gaz, MUST you torment your brother so early in the morning?" Gaz froze in place for a moment, regarding her father with a very blank look.  
  
"Yes." She answered very matter-of-factly, before taking off after her brother again. Membrane just sighed and shook his head, and continued in his quest for caffeine. He opened the cupboards where the can of coffee usually sat waiting for him every morning, only to be greeted by the site of an empty cupboard. The Professor suddenly felt himself becoming unusually jumpy...He was experiencing what some of us morning-people like to call "Mother Hubbard" syndrome...  
  
"Kids?" Membrane called out in a wavering voice. His naturally energetic children bounded into the room and stopped just short of toppling him over.   
  
"Yeah, Dad?" Dib asked innocently.  
  
"Where is the coffee?" Membrane's hands were starting to shake slightly...  
  
"Dib DRANK it all..."Gaz watched her brother out of the corner of one eye as she started up her GameSlave.  
  
"I......DID?" Dib looked confused for a moment.   
  
"YEAH......then you tore out of the house like a rabid chimp hopped up on goofballs..." Gaz turned her attention back to her game.  
  
"You mean......coffee all GONE??" Membrane cocked his head, and spoke in an eerily hushed tone as he stared out into space.  
  
The two siblings froze in their morning banter and stared up at their father. This was VERY odd...  
  
"Coffee is no more? Coffee has CEASED to BE????" Membrane's eyes went wide behind his goggles. He visibly cringed, and hunched up his shoulders. He knelt down to face his children on eye-level, and grasped the collar of Dib's trench coat. "Did the DOG steal it...?" He spoke barely above a whisper, and his eyes darted around the room frantically.   
  
"Uh......" Dib looked over at his sister, who could only shrug in response. Even she was so weirded out by her father's behavior that she was actually forgetting about her GameSlave...  
  
Membrane relinquished his hold on Dib's coat, and stood up suddenly. He began to dart about the room nervously, like some kind of giant, deranged park squirrel, opening and closing ever cupboard and drawer in sight. When he had gone through just about every food-storage unit in the immediate vicinity, he stopped dead in his tracks, rolled back on his heels, and deliberately landed square on his ass with a tremendous "THUMP!" The whole room seemed to shake from the sheer force of the landing...  
  
Membrane sat in the middle of the floor with an entirely vapid look on his face, staring out into nowhere. Dib and Gaz alternated looking back and forth from each other to their father, then finally mustered the courage to approach the stunned figure in the middle of the room.   
  
"Dad...?" Dib slowly approached his father and tapped him lightly on the shoulder, incorporating the same caution as one might use when handling a volatile substance...  
  
"CAFFEINE!!" The Professor screeched, then jumped up and ran from the room.  
  
This outburst so startled Dib that he stumbled backwards and fell onto his younger sibling, who promptly smacked him upside the head.  
  
"C'mon! We gotta follow Dad!" Gaz grabbed her GameSlave, then roughly pulled her brother to his feet.  
  
"Why?" Dib inquired as he followed his sister, rubbing the sore spot on his face where she had slapped him.  
  
"Just BECAUSE!" Gaz didn't even bother to look back at her brother, but instead continued following her father out the front door of the house. "We gotta make sure he doesn't do anything CRAZY! Last time we ran out of coffee, he ran over the mailman! And he wasn't even in a CAR!!"  
  
Dib thought for a moment as he was running. "I don't remember that!"  
  
"You were off chasing after ZIM...What is WITH you and that guy, ANYWAY? Do you LIKE him, or something?" Gaz was somehow following her father and playing her GameSlave at the same time.  
  
Dib's cheeks flushed red. "Um, NOOO... He's an ALIEN, REMEMBER??? I'm just trying to stop him from ENSLAVING THE HUMAN RACE!!!"  
  
"Uh huh..." Gaz ignored her sibling's rebuttal. "I still say you like him."  
  
Dib turned red to his ears. "NOW WAIT JUST ONE DAMN MINUTE...!" He began, before Gaz stopped dead in her tracks. Dib suddenly forgot about the previous conversation. "What is it, Gaz?"  
  
The abnormally angry little girl suddenly looked genuinely afraid. "He just ran into the 'Toys B Us' store..."  
  
~ * ~  
  
Well, there's the first chapter! What do you think? Insane, yes? I'm planning to have MUCH more insanity ahead....heh heh heh.... Please give me reviews! The more reviews I get, the more inspired I am to write!!! ^_^ 


	2. When A Professor Cracks

CHAPTER TWO! The insanity continues! YEEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEE!!!! Anyway, yeah...Membrane just ran into the "Toys B Us" store...What will happen NOW? And whatever it is, will Gaz and Dib be able to STOP him??? Heh....READ, and you will KNOW!  
  
  
  
"When A Professor Cracks..."  
  
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Gaz and Dib burst through the front doors of the "Toys B Us" store, knocking over one old lady and three small children. They surveyed the immediate area, but nothing seemed at all out of place or unusual. This was actually more worrisome than anything....  
  
They started walking through the store in the hopes of finding their father before he did anything drastically insane. They suddenly heard a loud wailing coming from somewhere in the back of the store, and quickly ran to investigate. When they came upon the scene, they found the Professor sitting in front of a Scumby display, bawling his eyes out.   
  
Dib ran to his father. "DAD, what's WRONG??"  
  
Membrane stopped bawling long enough to speak. He pointed at the large cardboard cutout of the claymation icon. "SCUMBY DOESN'T HAVE ANY TOES!!!!" He wailed, then continued bawling over the imagined "tragedy".  
  
Dib looked completely dumbfounded for a moment, but noticed that his father was beginning to cause a scene. He whispered to Gaz. "We better get Dad out of here before someone recognizes him!" Gaz nodded in agreement, and the two went to help their father up.  
  
"C'mon, Dad....Time to go home...." Gaz tugged at her father's arm.   
  
Membrane suddenly pulled away, and stood up, throwing his arms up in the air. "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!" He yelled, then ran screaming into the Darby doll aisle.   
  
Gaz was understandably surprised. She turned to her brother. "I think Dad's cheese slipped off his cracker...."  
  
"I agree....." Dib sighed. Then, suddenly, they heard a loud crashing sound coming from a few aisles down. "Uh oh...." The two siblings looked at each other, then took off to check out the matter.  
  
They found Membrane sitting amongst a gigantic fallen pile of Darby dolls. He happily held up one of the garish, pink boxes. "I FOUND "EXCOMMUNICATED NUN" DARBY!!!" He cried, then jumped up into a defensive stance. "*I* AM SPARTACUS!!!" He pointed at the pile of dolls on the floor. "YOU'LL NEVER STEAL MY SECRET RECIPE!! FULL OF SPECIAL HERBS AND SPICES!!" He shook a fist at the vinyl figurines, remaining stoic and static in their plastic and cardboard coffins. "IT'S *MY* HORSE, I TELLS YA!!" He then threw the Darby he had been holding at a nearby patron, hitting her square in the face, and knocking her backwards into another shelf of dolls. "WHEN I EAT FLOWERS, I CAN SHOOT FIREBALLS OUT OF MY NOSE!!" He declared to the heavens, his booming voice reverberating off the hollow walls of the large toy store. Membrane suddenly froze still then, as though he had just been struck with the sudden realization of his own ridiculous and absurd behavior. Dib and Gaz held their breath in anticipation.  
  
Membrane surveyed his surroundings with a rather apathetic look, and scratched his head. He yawned, then stretched his arms languorously. While it seemed that the scientist was finally coming to his senses, one of the few Darbies that hadn't already been knocked off the shelves finally teetered over and landed at the Professor's feet. Membrane stared at the box questioningly for a moment, then knelt down and poked at the synthetic packaging. He eyed it curiously, then seemed to poke at the box with a little bit of urgency, as though he expected the doll inside to awaken from some kind of cryogenic slumber. After receiving no apparent response from the plastic plaything, the Professor stood up slowly, his shaking hands balling into tight fists; his knuckles turning white from the sheer pressure. The once calm, reserved scientist suddenly began to scream and ramble hysterically.  
  
"THEY KILLED FRITZ! *THEY KILLED FRITZ!!!!* THOSE LOUSY, STINKIN' LITTLE PIXIES! .....THOSE HORRIBLE ATROCITY-FILLED VERMIN!!!! THEY KILLED *FRITZ!!*" The Professor stomped about in a fit of anger and lunacy, then dropped to his knees in front of the fallen "soldier". "FRITZ!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRITZ, *GET UP!!!"* He shook the box in desperation. *"GET UP, FRITZ!!"* The scientist hung his head. Despondent, he let the box slip and fall from his hands. His fingers curled inside his palms, and he raised an angry fist skywards.  
  
"YOUR DEATH SHALL NOT BE IN VAIN!! I WILL AVENGE YOU, MIGHTY WARRIOR!! YOU WAS MAH BRUDDAH!!!" With that insane declaration, the Professor dashed down the isles towards the action figures and play weaponry. He snatched a Red Ryder Death Ray down off the shelves. "THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR GREY POUPON!!! The Professor "fired" the toy weapon randomly, the little red laser beam bouncing every which way off the reflective packages and metal shelves. "TAKE THAT!!! ....AND THAT!!! TAKE THAT, YOU GREEN *SLIME*!!! *THEY KILLED FRITZ!!!*"  
  
The Professor's unfortunate offspring stood among the growing crowd of spectators a safe distance from their raving paternal figure. An older woman turned to the young siblings. "Is that your father? Is he all right?" The woman spoke cautiously.  
  
Dib fumbled for a decent excuse. "He's just suffering from a....a little bit of....uh.....COMBAT SHOCK!" Gaz slapped her forehead. "Yeah! Dad sometimes has flashbacks from.......from NAM! It's nothing..." The woman nodded slowly, not bothering to debate the ridiculous answer. Dib could only shrug at his sister, who simply made a curt sound of disgust, and turned her back to him. However, the siblings attentions were quickly turned back to the matter at hand, as Membrane had hopped on top of one of the displays, and was now kicking pink plush bunnies all around the immediate area.  
  
"TAKE THAT, YOU DESCPICABLE ANIMAL WARMONGERS!!! YOU BLACK-HEARTED, SHORT, BOWL-LEGGED...!!!" The Professor's ravings were abruptly interrupted by a member of the store security.  
  
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to escort you out of the store..." The frighteningly large guard went to grab the scientist's arm, but Membrane quickly pulled away.  
  
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, CAPTAIN CRUNCH!!!" He then grabbed a shopping cart from one of the onlookers, and used it like a scooter. "AWAY, NOBLE STEED!! TO THE BATMOBILE!!!" In his rampage, he ended up crashing the shopping cart into one of the checkout counters, and falling flat on his back. However, it didn't seem to faze him much....He was soon back on his feet, and trying to hold a cashier hostage with a giant lollipop.  
  
Gaz and Dib finally caught up to their father, and made another feeble attempt to stop him. "DAD!!! I think we need to go home now...." Dib tugged on his father's sleeve.  
  
Membrane pointed at his son with the lollipop. "WITNESS THE HOLDING POWER OF MY HAIR SPRAY!!! NOT TO BE USED ON EYEBROWS!!" The Professor then shoved the lollipop in the cashier's mouth, jumped over the counter, and fled out the front door, leaving a disaster of fallen boxes and bruised shoppers in his wake.  
  
Gaz and Dib stared after their father for a moment, before grudgingly taking off after him.   
  
"Sorry about the mess! We'll pay for the damage later!!" Dib yelled back to the stunned patrons and employees at the "Toys B Us" store. He then turned to his sister. "We're in big trouble, aren't we?"  
  
"He's gotta wear himself out sometime...." They then noticed Membrane turn and start running in the direction of the local shopping mall....  
  
"Oh NOOOOOO......"   
  
~ * ~  
  
WEEE-HEEE HEEE!! Am I having fun writing THIS! OOH! What's gonna happen NEXT? Insane people running loose in a MALL?? This should be fun... Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode! Hee hee! 


	3. Night of the Living Spreadable Meat

Uh oh... here comes the third installment in this riveting, action-packed drama/spaghetti western/horror/musical/romantic comedy!   
  
  
  
"Night of the Living Spreadable Meat"  
  
~*~  
  
Membrane burst through the main doors of the downtown plaza, knocking over a cardboard cutout of Mariah Carey, two Sam Goody clerks, and a homeless man dressed entirely in chiffon.   
  
"I AM THE EVIL ORGAN GRINDER WHAT GRINDS THE ORGANS! GIVE ALL YOUR COINS TO MY HAPPY LITTLE SIMIAN FRIEND! *OR I'LL BEAT YA WITH MY SOCKS!*" The Professor very quickly garnered the attention of the mall patrons.  
  
Gaz and Dib were not far behind. They had followed their father into the mammoth-sized shopping complex, where they found the raving paternal figure standing square in the middle of a large fountain.   
  
The caffeine-depraved scientist kicked off his boots, and started doing a kind of crazed monkey dance. "I AM THE BIGGEST JELLY BEAN OF THEM ALL!! BATHE YOURSELVES IN THE MAGNIFICENT FOUNTAIN OF PISTACHIO SALAD, AND BE FREED OF ALL EVIL LIVER SPOTS!" The Professor suddenly stopped dancing and quickly turned to an old man at the edge of the fountain. He pointed at the elderly patron. "YOU! OLD PERSON! YOU SMELL LIKE A CABBAGE!! GO AWAY!!" The Professor made little "shoo shoo" motions, then continued his little monkey dance.  
  
Aghast at his father's behavior, Dib quickly ran to the old man to assure him that his dad didn't know what he was saying. Gaz, meanwhile, attempted to calmly talk the Professor out of the fountain...  
  
"DAD!!! GET OUTTA THERE AND COME HOME RIGHT NOW, OR I'M GONNA FLUSH ALL YOUR LAB TOOLS DOWN THE TOILET!!!" Gaz screeched, her right eye twitching ever-so-slightly. Her father was acting worse than ZIM...   
  
"WEEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Membrane didn't even seem to have heard his daughter's threats, as he proceeded to run around in circles holding his arms out like airplane wings. "LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!! I AM A *DACHSUND*!!!! BARK!!!!!!"  
  
Dib ran back to where his sister stood at the edge of the fountain, silently fuming. Dib watched his father playing in his own little mental playground. Dib thought to himself for a moment, then gasped out loud. "ZIM!"  
  
Gaz turned to her brother, right eye still twitching. ".....What about him?"  
  
"Don't you SEE??" Dib grabbed his sister by the shoulders. "HE must have done this to Dad!"  
  
Gaz roughly pushed her sibling away, and out of her personal space bubble. "I already TOLD you! It's because we ran out of COFFEE!! It's happened before, and neither you NOR Zim was there!" Gaz tried to brush the "brother germs" off of herself as she spoke.  
  
Dib pouted, and crossed his arms. "He STILL could have done it..." He kicked at a gum blob embedded between the floor tiles. Dib struggled to mentally block out the sound of his father's lunacy while he tried to figure out what to do about the situation. However, he was startled out of his thoughts by an incessant, high-pitched squealing noise. He turned back to the fountain to see a familiar little green dog following at his father's heels as he ran around in little circles.   
  
"WEEEEEEE-HEE-HEE-HEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"  
  
"HEY! That's...." Dib started, before he was interrupted by another familiar voice.  
  
"GIR! GET OUT OF THERE!! YOU'RE GOING TO TRACK THAT DISGUSTING HUMAN FILTH WATER EVERYWHERE!!!"  
  
Dib turned towards the sound of the voice to see a little green man with a long white beard in a funny hat and raincoat, screaming angrily at the lime-colored mechanical canine. Dib smirked to himself and approached the badly disguised alien.  
  
"You sure seem to have AGED some since YESTERDAY, Zim..." The pint-sized Irken invader glared angrily at the gloating human boy.  
  
"IGNORANT CHILD OF STENCH!!! THIS IS A......HALLOWEEN COSTUME!" Zim watched the boy's doubtful expression out of the corner of his blue-lensed eye.   
  
"Today isn't Halloween, and you KNOW it, ZIM....Besides, YOU said you HATED Halloween!" Dib regarded the alien suspiciously.  
  
"Eh......er......LIAR!!" Zim turned his back to the raven-haired young paranormalist, and continued screaming at his mechanical companion.   
  
Dib just sighed and shook his head. His attention was soon drawn back to the fountain, however, as the whirling motions of the water-logged lunatics out of the corner of his eye suddenly ceased. Professor Membrane stood on one side of the fountain facing the little disguised minion across from him. The two seemed to be in a silent standoff of sorts: The robotic puppy looking up at the scientist, and the scientist looking back down at the puppy.  
  
Dib's interest in the situation was suddenly piqued. He muttered excitedly to himself. "Maybe even in his state of lunacy, Dad might realize that Zim's dog.....thing.....isn't really a dog at all!! Then he'd HAVE to believe me! Then, I could finally expose Zim for the alien MONSTER that he IS!!" Dib threw up his arms triumphantly. It was only fortunate for him that the crowd was too busy watching the cuckoos in the fountain to notice the little trench-coated boy babbling to himself. Dib decided to get closer to the edge of the fountain, and watched the scene unfold with baited breath. Everyone in the area was hushed....even Zim had ceased yelling at his SIR unit, and nervously observed the pair to see what would happen next.   
  
Membrane suddenly pointed at the undercover robot, and it seemed like every heart in the room suddenly stopped beating; a silent gasp rushed through the crowd, and Dib's breath caught, muscles tightening in his throat: This was it!!  
  
GIR knew in his paperclip mind what it meant to be pointed at, and fearfully awaited the yelling that he was certain was soon to follow. The little robot cringed inside his doggy suit as the Professor opened his mouth to speak.......  
  
"YOU IS DA UGLIEST OSTRICH AH EVER DID SEE!" Membrane exclaimed, still pointing at the tiny costumed SIR.   
  
Dib, who had been practically hanging over the edge of the fountain in anticipation, was so startled by the unexpected outcry that he lost his grip on the ledge, and fell head-first into the coin-infested fountain water. Still standing outside the fountain, Gaz snickered cruelly at her brother's misfortune.   
  
Dib surfaced moments later, coughing loudly as the water that had gone up his nose drained into his throat. When he wiped off his glasses, he saw GIR standing in front of him.   
  
"HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" GIR waved enthusiastically.  
  
Dib half-smiled in response, but still resented the fact that no one else ever seemed to notice the talking green dog... "Hi, GIR....."  
  
"GIR! DO NOT FRATERNIZE WITH THE STINK HUMAN!!" Zim snarled, glaring venomously at the pair.  
  
"Awww.... Master says I gotta go now..." GIR did a little wave, and turned to go towards his master, but his path was suddenly blocked.  
  
"YOU! OSTRICH!! AMUSE ME!!" Membrane scooped up the little SIR, and set him on his shoulder. "YOU ARE NOW A SALTY PARROT!"  
  
"YAY! I LIKE SALT!!!" GIR waved his arms in the air.  
  
"BLARGH!!! I AM A PIRATE!!! SMELL MY PARROT!!!!" Membrane shook his fist at the many onlookers.  
  
"SMELL ME!" GIR cried happily.   
  
"Grandma had a beard, WHY NOT *ME???*" He questioned to no one, then started doing some kind of strange pirate walk around the fountain.... "YOU DARE SERVE ME HAGGIS WITHOUT CHUTNEY?!?!? I'LL LOOT AND PLUNDER THE SOCK DRAWERS OF ALL THE TOWNSFOLK!!! RAPE THE HORSES AND RIDE THE WOMEN OUT OF TOWN!! Arg arg arg arg arg....." The Professor continued "arg-ing" in a rather Popeye-ish way as he made his rounds around the fountain. He nearly stumbled over his discarded boots, but then scooped them up and shook out the excess water before putting them back on his feet.   
  
GIR liked this human person.....he smelled like Zim's lab, and he had funny hair. Plus, his boots made a neat squishy sound when he walked..... "WOOT!" GIR exclaimed, almost proudly.   
  
"What is this "woot" ya speak of, laddy?" Membrane inquired of the little SIR. GIR just shrugged. Membrane nodded once, accepting the shrug as a fair enough answer. Suddenly, they both noticed a low rumbling sound coming from somewhere...  
  
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! OCELOTS!!!" GIR screeched, and tried to hide behind Membrane's head.   
  
"No, that was just my belly..."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I HUNGER FOR FOOD SUBSTANCES!! BRING ME THE FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES IN ALL THE LAND!!!" Membrane declared to the crowd of spectators.  
  
"And some PIZZA!" added GIR.  
  
Membrane suddenly broke out running through the crowd towards the other end of the large mall, where there was a "Bloatie's" in the food court. Despite running at break-neck speed, and despite the unusual overcrowded-ness of the mall that day, Membrane managed to make it all the way across the complex without seriously injuring a single person. GIR somehow managed to hold on during the trip by grabbing hold of the tall collar on Membrane's lab coat. The Professor suddenly skidded on his heels, coming to a stop mere millimeters from the Bloatie's counter.   
  
Un-winded, the scientist jumped up to face the pimple-ridden cashier. "YOU! FOOD MERCHANT! I WISH TO SAMPLE YOUR WARES! SURRENDER THOSE HELPLESS PIZZAS!!" Membrane dug in his lab coat pocket, and produced a wad of bills. "LOOKIE! I give you happy money with dead people on it!!!"  
  
"Uh....what kind of pizza do you wa...." The cashier began, before the professor cut him off.  
  
"DO NOT HAGGLE WITH ME, YOU SAUCY WENCH!!! I DEMAND FOODSTUFFS!!!" Membrane let his fist fall hard on the yellow countertop.  
  
"No, you don't understand, I..."   
  
"SILENCE!!! I WILL HAVE NONE OF YOUR SORCERER'S TRICKS!!! REPLENISH MY STOMACH CAVITIES WITH DIGESTABLE SUBSTANCES, OR I SHALL PUT A CURSE OF BADGER EGGS UPON YOUR HEAD!!!"  
  
"Sheesh...okay, already...." The pimply teen yelled back to the cooks in the kitchen. "HEY! WE NEED A PIZZA UP HERE!"  
  
"WHAT KIND?"   
  
"DOESN'T MATTER!!!"  
  
GIR piped up. "PEPPERONIE AND CHEESE!!!"  
  
"PEPPERONIE AND CHEESE!" the cashier repeated to the cook.  
  
"AND A MOOSE!"  
  
The crater-faced young man turned, and eyed the little green puppy curiously. "Did you just talk?"  
  
"Nooooooo........"  
  
The clerk just rolled his eyes, and handed Membrane a slip of paper. "Here's your order number. You can sit over there, and we'll call your number when your pizza's ready."  
  
"Oooooookeedokie!" Both Membrane and GIR replied at once, then looked at each other questioningly for a moment before taking a seat at the nearest table.  
  
As they waited for their pizza, GIR hopped down off the Professor's shoulder, and sat down at the table.  
  
"Aww....I wanted a moooooose....." GIR whined. The two sat silently for a few moments.  
  
"PSSST....Hey Guido.... It's all so clear to me now....." Membrane leaned over to the little lime-colored puppy. "I'm the keeper of the cheese...." He pointed at GIR. "And you're the lemon merchant.... You get it?"  
  
"Uh HUH.............BUT HOW 'BOUT SOME-A THIS?!!" GIR squealed and started skank dancing on the tabletop. (note: Skanking is a form of dancing commonly done to punk music. It does not refer to the dancing style of Britney Spears.)  
  
"AW YEAH, HUH!"   
  
GIR continued skankin' while the Professor seemed preoccupied with the large poster on the wall next to them. He suddenly tore it down, rolled it up into a tube, and slapped a spare rubber band from his lab coat pocket around it. He hit the end of it on the table like some kind of magician's wand. "SHABOOM!!"   
  
GIR stopped dancing for a moment. "What's THAT mean?"  
  
Membrane just shrugged.  
  
"Oh. OKAY!" GIR continued dancing. "WOOT!!!"  
  
"NUMBER 34!! YOUR PIZZA'S READY!"  
  
"WAHOO!" GIR leapt down from the table and ran to the counter. "GIMME!!" GIR tried to jump up to the counter, but his height proved a hindrance. Membrane approached the counter, paid the cashier for the pizza, and handed the tray to the little SIR, who happily picked up a slice and devoured it. The two sat back down at the table and continued inhaling some more slices of pizza.  
  
Meanwhile, after searching the entire mall, Gaz and Dib finally spotted the pair in the food court, happily eating pizza; blissfully unaware of the trouble the siblings had to go through in finding them.  
  
"Of all the days....." Dib panted, out of breath. "....out of the WHOLE YEAR......" He wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "......he had to pick the day after THANKSGIVING................to run into a MALL...."  
  
"For once Dib........we agree....." Gaz, too, was pretty tired after going through nearly every store in the mall.   
  
The two siblings approached the table and plopped down in the two empty chairs, exhausted. Just as they had relaxed, the Professor suddenly stood up and approached the restaurant counter.  
  
"YOUR PIZZA TASTES LIKE THE INSIDE FRONT PANEL OF ROBERT WAGNER'S JOCKEY SHORTS!" He screeched at the cashier. "Would you happen to have another one in a size 6?"  
  
"WHAT???" The pimpled clerk regarded the scientist incredulously.  
  
"DO NOT QUESTION MY QUESTION!!! I DEMAND BREAD STICKS WITH CHEESE!!!"  
  
"Right, right.....just a second....." The clerk hurriedly grabbed one of the pre-made boxes of bread sticks from the heater and threw in a cup of cheese sauce. "HERE!! TAKE IT!!!" The clerk hastily passed the box over. "NOW GO AWAY!!!"  
  
"But...."  
  
"IT'S FREE TODAY!!!!!!"  
  
Membrane paused for a moment, but just shrugged. "......Okeedoo!!" He sauntered on back to the table and plopped the box down in front of his children. "EAT HEARTY, ME MATIES!! ARRR!!"  
  
"Ugh.....I'm not hungry...." Dib mumbled, his head resting on the table.  
  
"Me neither......" Gaz had her head tilted over the back of the chair.  
  
"I'LL EAT IT!!!" GIR grabbed the box and inhaled it, cardboard and all. He belched loudly, and a bubble of cheese hung on his green cloth lip.  
  
"Ewww.... GROOO-OOOOSSS!!!" Gaz put her arms over her face.  
  
"I WANNA GO TO A MOOOOOOVIE!!!" GIR chimed, then licked the bubble of cheese off his lip.  
  
"......I WANT A BAG OF CRACK!!!"  
  
"WHAT?!?!?" Dib and Gaz looked over at their father.  
  
GIR continued babbling. "I WANNA SEE 'INTESTINES OF WAR: PART II!!'"  
  
"I AM HIDING JIMMY HOFFA IN MY PANTS!" Membrane declared proudly. The four sat in silence for a moment.   
  
"HUMAN DOGNAPPER!!! RELEASE THE GIR!!!" The quartet turned around to see an angry Zim glaring at them: hat shredded, beard half off his face, and missing one boot. Luckily, he had his regular boot on underneath. However, the difference in height of the foot apparel left the Irken soldier standing at an odd 45 degree angle. Dib held back a weak snicker at this odd scene before them.  
  
Zim adjusted his synthetic facial hair and marched over to the table, humorously bobbing up and down because of the loss of his platform boot. Despite the ache in his ribs, Dib couldn't help but laugh out loud. The alien glared at the young paranormalist, and approached his father.  
  
"Are you my MOMMY?" Membrane suddenly queried before the little alien could speak.  
  
Zim, for once in his life, was left speechless. He looked over at his enemy, who looked like he was in pain trying to hold back laughter. His sister looked like she was comatose, and his disobedient SIR unit was busy trying to look at his own tongue. Zim quickly straightened himself up, and tried to start over. "I have come for my si......er........my..... DOG...... RELEASE THE HOUND IMMEDIATELY!!!"  
  
"So you're NOT my mommy?" Membrane cocked his head at the little Irken.   
  
Zim regarded the Professor with a rather odd look, and decided the man obviously didn't have both oars in the water. "GIR!! COME HERE!!!"  
  
"Awww....but we were gonna go see a MOOOOVIE!!" The little SIR hopped down from the table.  
  
"You will do no such thing!!! I will not have you congregating with these....FILTHY stinkbeasts!! Now, we have to get out of this....MALL thingy......and QUICKLY! These humans are VICIOUS with their..... SHOPPING activity.....we must get out of here before they try to KILL US!!!"  
  
"Aww.....OKAY!" GIR grudgingly followed his master. He turned to wave to his "friends". "BYYY-YYYYEEEEE!!!"  
  
"Do svidaniya, Ovoshchi!!!! Do slyeduyushchyey vstyechee!! Mi budyem skuchat' byez vas!!!" Membrane was doing that strange little wave that beauty pageant winners and royalty do all the time. His children eyed him curiously. "WHAT??"  
  
"Nothing......" Gaz muttered, and returned to her comatose position. Dib, too, returned to his previous position with his head back down on the table.  
  
The Professor sat in silence for a moment, then started pouring the contents of the salt shaker out onto the table. After he was finished making a mountain of salt for whatever ungodly reason, he looked over at his kids. "KARTOFEL!!!" He managed to startle his offspring out of their tired daze. "YA HOTEL BY KUPIT SVININA!!! SKOLKO STOIT BILET???" Membrane slammed his fist into the pile of salt. "OH NO!!! I KILLED GRANDMA!!!!"  
  
The two siblings simply groaned, and continued their previous activity (which was "doing nothing".)  
  
After a few more minutes of silence, Gaz muttered something to her brother.  
  
"What was that? I couldn't understand you..." Dib grumbled from the tabletop.  
  
"I said, 'Why didn't we think of just having him PAGED??'"  
  
Dib froze for a moment. "Aw, DAMMIT!" He banged his head on the table in anger.  
  
"HA HA!" Membrane pointed and laughed.  
  
"STIFLE IT, YOU!!" Gaz growled. This outburst was enough to startle the Professor into silence for.......about a minute.  
  
Out of the blue, the Professor stood up. He stomped his foot on the ground loudly. "DAMMIT!!!"  
  
Gaz growled again. "What is it NOW???"  
  
"I WANNA SEE 'INTESTINES OF WAR: PART II, TOO!!!" With that, Membrane fled in the direction of the mall cinema.  
  
  
"Aw, MAAAAAAAAAAAANNN................"  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
And so ends the THIRD thrilling chapter in my insane little story.... thing. YAY!!! Next chapter: "Let's all go to the MOVIES!" Do skoroy vstryechee!  
  
BTW - Russian Translations:  
(Goodbye, Vegetable! See you next time! We'll miss you!) (Potato! I would like to buy pork! How much is the fare?) (See you soon!)  
  
(note: the Russian was transcribed in Roman lettering) 


	4. MentholInduced Hallucinatory PenguinRela...

Bwa ha ha ha ha.....PART FOUR!!!! You know, many have been asking me why Gaz and Dib do not simply drag Membrane to the nearest Starbucks and fill him up with coffee. I have a clear, concise, logical answer to this: It would ruin the plot. Besides, he's picky, and he only drinks Folder's (that's what the goldfish told me).  
  
I do not own invader Zim. It is owned by Jhonen Vasquez. I am only borrowing the characters for my own amusement. I will put them back when I am through with them. The "Quaaludes" and "Kiwi" product names are owned by... whoever makes Quaaludes and Kiwi shoe polish.  
  
Now... on to the inappropriately named CHAPTER FOUR!!  
  
  
"Menthol-Induced Hallucinatory Penguin-Related Imagery" or "The Silly Professor and the Magic Minty Salve Penguins"  
  
~ * ~  
  
  
Professor Membrane lifted his tired eyelids to welcome the unfamiliar cheap fluorescent lighting into his corneas. He knew not of his whereabouts, but only that his feet were tingling, and his nose itched (Yes, he has one). He sat up and looked about him, only to be greeted by a sea of angry faces. Perplexed at the situation, he gathered himself up and brushed off his lab coat, which had become dusted in a peculiar grainy white substance, underneath which there was a strange, greasy residue staining various areas of his usually sparkling white uniform. He smelled like the underside of a skool lunch table.  
  
Despite the irate glares directed at him by the other citizens also occupying this odd, red-carpeted room, he attempted to inquire of the odd situation he had suddenly found himself in. He approached a large woman wearing pastel plastic curlers in her hair, but before he was about to speak, he froze dead in his tracks as he caught site of a familiar foe from days long past...  
  
Meanwhile, two disgruntled children walked slowly down wide tiled corridors full of colorful people carrying various colorful bags. Dib solemnly dragged his feet along the miniscule grout lines.  
  
"Would you KNOCK IT OFF? Are you just TRYING to bug me??"  
  
Dib looked up from the colorful ceramic squares he had become so entranced with watching pass by under his feet over the past 10 minutes. "Huh?"  
  
"Quit scraping your boots against the tiles! It's making really annoying squeaky-scrapey noises!!"  
  
"Yeah..." Dib trailed off, then walked smack into a large garbage can.   
  
"Geeeeeeez......" Gaz caught her sibling by the collar of his trench coat before he was about to collapse to the floor. She propped him against one of those out-of-place indoor potted palm trees, then took to surveying the immediate area. She quickly spotted something that might prove useful... "C'mon Dib..." The tiny girl hoisted her older brother over her shoulder with frightening ease, and plopped him in the empty metal shopping cart.   
  
"OW!" The raven-haired boy landed hard in the basket with a dull, metallic "CLANG". The hard part of his boot hit the side of the cart, and the metal grate hummed annoyingly. Dib's ears rang. "ERGH.... My HEAD hurts...."  
  
"You DID just run head-first into a large garbage can..."  
  
Dib tried to ignore the throbbing pain in his cranium, then seemed to settle himself into the cart, not noticing the menacing grin on his sister's face as she brushed the dust off the soles of her shoes. Gaz scraped her feet on the ground a moment to verify proper traction, then began a mad dash with the cart with her sibling in the basket, nearing speeds of 20mph as they headed on towards their destination. Gaz only wished she had a tape recorder to record her brother's shrieks of terror for future posterity...  
  
At the Plaza Multiplex, a battle of epic proportions was about to take place.... A war between the forces of Good and Evil... a battle for truth and justice that would decide the fate of a nation.... Or, perhaps it was just some guy beating up on a cardboard cutout of Scumby. Nobody really cared. Either way, it was highly entertaining.  
  
"BASTARD! YOU KILLED UNCLE FREDDY!! FEEL THE WRATH OF MY CORN SALAD!!" Membrane cracked the thick cardboard display in half, perfectly bisecting it down the middle as he might have been doing to a microscopic creature or experimental animal of some sort, had he been lucid enough at the moment to function properly in his lab...  
  
The Professor threw down the two halves of the display, and stomped on them as a sort of ritual of triumph. He pointed down at his fallen "competitor", as if about to deliver a statement of shame to the "loser" like some kind of has-been wrestling icon...  
  
"JIMMY CRACKED CORN, AND FRANKLY I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!" Upon these words of fractured "wisdom", the rumpled scientist promptly turned on his heels and proudly approached the nearby snack counter. The pimply lad behind the counter looked genuinely afraid.  
  
"C...can I.... HELP you....s..sir??" The youth stuttered meekly, barely choking out the words.  
  
The Professor cocked his head at the young man. "Be you AFRAID of me, lad? I am but the humble son of a CHEESE MERCHANT! Do not fear my awe-inspiring NASAL PASSAGES!!"  
  
"Mommy, that man smells like Uncle Gus' station wagon!"  
  
Membrane whirled on his heels. Behind him, a little girl looked up at him in wonder, as her mother tried desperately to distract her attention. "Now, honey, you shouldn't SAY things like that... especially not to crazed lunatics..." The young mother muttered the last part under her breath.  
  
"Aren't you that science guy on the TV?" The little girl eyed the popcorn-grease-soiled scientist curiously.   
  
"MOI?" Membrane queried, giving his best Ms. Piggy impression. The little girl just nodded.  
  
"No. I am not the one you seek. Go forth to the castle of the elders, and there they can tell you where you may find the chosen one... NOW, GO!! THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!!! YOU MUST HURRY BEFORE THE SKEKSIS TAKE OVER CANADA!!! Now, SWIM, you COW, SWIM!!"   
  
The little girl's eyes went wide, and she merely froze in place from shock. Her mother quickly took the opportunity to cart the child away as quickly as possible.   
  
The Professor, meanwhile, sought out more interesting activities. The scientist jumped on top of the nearest ticket counter, and pointed at the crowd of people waiting in line. "COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU! The tale of a lost puppy what got run over by my gran-maw, and then Leonard Nimoy ate a very yummy sandwich, and Virginia found out there really WAS a Santa Claus!! THE END!!!"  
  
The dumbfounded citizenry glanced around at each other nervously as the lunatic scientist continued raving atop the ticket counter.  
  
"THERE ARE TINY INDONESIAN CHILDREN LIVING UNDER THE CAR MAT!!!  
I AM A COWBOY! BRAND ME! MOOOOOOOO!" It was then that the Professor jumped from the counter, and nearly landed on a pair of boys carrying large sodas. Unfortunately, the boys were still so startled that the sodas flew from their hands and spilled on the momentarily insane man, washing the Professor's lab coat in a NEW color, to cover up that ugly "popcorn-grease yellow".  
  
"SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IN A YUGO GOING 80! I HAVE BEEN BRANDED!!" Membrane suddenly ran screaming towards the candy counter, where the workers quickly ducked under the desk for cover. Nevertheless, Membrane reached down over the counter and pulled the pimply-faced lad up to face him. "GIVE A HOOT! DON'T POLUUUUUUUUUTE!!!" Membrane shook the greasy young man. "TALK TO ME, YOU SILLY LITTLE FREAK!!! WHERE IS THE MOUNTAIN???"  
  
"EEP! W...What mountain?!?" The terrified employee managed to blurt out whilst being shaken.  
  
"YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT MOUNTAIN!" Membrane seemed to realize something, and, eyeing the young man suspiciously, he slowly released his hold on the teen's greasy red polo shirt. "YOU...!" Membrane suddenly pointed at the teen. "YOU COVET MY ICE CREAM BAR!!! DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A NUTRITIONIST??? GIT OFFA MAH MOUNTAIN, SUCKA!" With that, the Professor picked up the young man by his shirt with frightening ease, and promptly tossed him into a large cardboard display for "Rugrats in Purgatory: The Movie". Thankfully, the cardboard was enough to break the man's fall, and besides... no one would miss the display anyway...  
  
Membrane, meanwhile, decided to mark his newly conquered "territory" with the nacho cheese dispenser. Grabbing the little metal box, he proceeded to make little splats of cheese around his feet. After emptying the entire dispenser onto the counter, Membrane discarded the box, and promptly started stomping around in the wasteland of cheese, splattering anyone dumb enough to not be at least 6 feet away from him.  
  
Membrane continued raving as he stomped the cheese into oblivion. "It's NOT a slicer! It's NOT a dicer! It's NOT a chopper OR a hopper!!" Membrane stopped stomping for a moment, much to the relief of the crowd. "It's SLEDGE - O - MATIC!!!" The scientist suddenly jumped up high and landed hard into the gooey mountain of cheese, splattering synthetic gouda as far as the front ticket counter. "MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU WONDERFUL OLD GARDEN GNOME!" The Professor proclaimed happily as the last remaining airborne globs of cheese finally settled on their chosen targets.   
  
"SIR! I'm afraid we are going to have to ask you to LEAVE!" Membrane turned towards where the voice was coming from. A rather haughty-looking older woman with obvious (and not very GOOD) plastic surgery stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at the scientist who now had more food substances soaked into his lab coat than Tammy Faye Baker has eye makeup.  
  
Membrane said nothing for a moment, then pointed at the woman. "YOU look like a LIZARD! Can I bounce QUARTERS off your FACE??"  
  
The woman stared at the scientist in shock, then turned red to her ears in anger. "YOU WILL LEAVE THIS MINUTE, OR YOU WILL BE ESCORTED OUT BY THE POLICE!"  
  
"I'LL HAVE NONE OF YOUR SASS!! I AM THE GREAT GAZOO!! I CAN SUMMON THE GIANT KOALA BEARS!!! AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN BEARS!! NOW, GET THOSE FRUITY LITTLE BASTARDS OFF MY LAWN, BEFORE I CALL THE POPE!!"  
  
The woman huffed, and stomped over to the phones to call the police. Membrane, meanwhile, had other ideas.  
  
"YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS, DO YOU HEAR ME??!?!? I WILL RESTORE THE MONGOLIAN ECONOMY WITH THE POWER OF CHEESE!" The Professor then began rapidly consuming all the popcorn in the popcorn machine.  
  
During this sudden period of calm amongst the confusion, Gaz wheeled into the lobby, with a frightened Dib curled up in a ball and shaking in the back of the shopping cart.   
  
"Oh, COME ON, DIB! Quite being a BABY! I didn't hit THAT many people!! Anyway, there's DAD!" Dib waited a moment, then cautiously climbed out of the cart, and joined his sister amongst the crowd of spectators.  
  
Meanwhile, a certain Irken Invader and his vapid SIR unit were STILL trying to find their way OUT of the enormous shopping complex.  
  
"OOH! LOOK MASTER!! PEOPLE!!! CAN I HAVE ONE?!?!?" GIR pointed at a large gathering of spectators up ahead.   
  
Zim did not answer, but simply snorted in disgust and continued marching on in search of an exit. He tightened his grip on the robot's leash and pulled the little SIR along. Zim attempted to get past the large gathering of stinkbeasts without GIR causing trouble. However, it wasn't GIR that would be the problem.  
  
"PARROT!!!!" Membrane screeched, quickly leaping off the snack counter and dashing through the crowd.  
  
Recognizing the voice as that of his funny "pirate" friend, GIR turned and ran towards the Multiplex. "PIRATE MAN!!"  
  
"GIR! Doh.....! Zim slapped his forehead, and took off after his insolent accomplice. However, the Irken didn't get there soon enough, as the lunatic scientist suddenly scooped up his absurdly disguised little minion. "HEY! RELEASE THE GIR, HUMAN STINK!!"  
  
However, Zim's rage went unnoticed by the scientist and the robot. Membrane cheerfully set the little SIR on his shoulder. "PARROT! I KNEW YOU NEVER KILLED MAFESTO! NOW WHERE ARE MY DAMN PANTS?!?!?  
  
"They's on yo' BUTT!!"  
  
"YAY!" The Professor cheered, but suddenly became panicky. "MARTHA! Uncle Freddy DIED! They KILLED Uncle FREDDY!!!"  
  
"YAY!" The little robot puppy squealed, blissfully ignorant of his own response. The two just looked at each other in confusion.  
  
While they were actually standing STILL for a change, Dib and Gaz took the opportunity to attempt to restrain and safely bring their paternal unit back home.... HOPEFULLY without incident... but by now, that was probably a pretty lost hope...  
  
"DAD!! QUICKLY!! WE NEED TO SAVE....GRANDMA!!!" Dib blurted out. Gaz stared at her brother dumfounded for a moment.  
  
"Dib... grandma's DEAD...and WHY are you.....??" Gaz whispered to her brother, but was cut short.  
  
"LEAD ME TO THE ELDERLY IN NEED!!!" Membrane cried, and jumped into the empty shopping cart.  
  
"WOOT!" GIR exclaimed from his "perch". "Polly wants some CRACK!" The other three turned and stared at the little SIR. ".........-ERS!" GIR added. Membrane nodded in approval, and the two siblings rolled their eyes in unison. Together the siblings started pushing the cart with their father and his "parrot" towards the next exit, wherever one might happen to be...  
  
"Dib... how did you know he'd do that??" Gaz whispered to her brother as they pushed the cart in search of a way out.  
  
"Do what??"  
  
"Jump in the cart like that!" Gaz motioned with her head to their father in the cart.  
  
"Oh... I just read a lot of Happy Noodle Boy comics."  
  
"Aah...."   
  
Meanwhile, Zim, who had become trapped amongst the crowd of cheese-covered people, had finally struggled his way out of the mob just in time to see his SIR being wheeled away by Dib and his dreadful stink-family. "HEY!!" Zim chased after the group.  
  
Dib and Gaz turned, and stopped when they saw who it was running up to them.  
  
"Zim...I think something died on your face..." Gaz quipped, actually in an extremely rare and somewhat jovial mood after finally getting their father to cooperate.   
  
Zim merely glared at the miniature Elvira, and pointed towards the cart. "I DEMAND THE RELEASE OF MY....DOG!"  
  
"You mean your TALKING dog with synthetic GREEN fur and a giant ZIPPER running along his stomach?  
  
"He is a.......a HOT DOG!! It is a special breed from......SOMEWHERE ELSE!! Now GIVE HIM BACK!!"  
  
"I don't know.... Dad seems pretty ATTACHED to him...." Gaz said teasingly.  
  
"DO NOT MAKE ME USE FORCE, STINKBEAST!!!"  
  
"Force? And just what will you DO, ALIEN? In this mall full of EYEWITNESSES??" Dib sarcastically queried of the disguised Irken.  
  
"I...." Zim froze, and looked around at the large crowd in the mall that was watching them like hungry birds of prey. Zim gulped. "I'LL....."  
  
"IT SMELLS LIKE UPDOG IN HERE!!!" Membrane interrupted loudly.   
  
The two human children and the alien regarded the snack-food-soiled man in the shopping cart curiously. Gaz dared to question her father's statement of lunacy. "What's 'updog'?"   
  
"NOT MUCH, WHAZZUP WIT YOU???" The Professor shouted, then froze. They were collectively silent for a moment, then Membrane and GIR burst into loud, maniacal laughter. The other three heaved one big collective sigh. Dib turned to his rival.  
  
"Look, Zim....for ONCE.... I DON'T CARE about YOU or your dumb ROBOT.... My father has put me through more today than I've ever gone through in my entire LIFE! ALL I want to do right now is get him HOME, and possibly RESTRAINED somehow..."  
  
Gaz took over. "However, he might not go if GIR doesn't go with...and who KNOWS what kind of untold damage they could do if unleashed upon the city...."  
  
Zim's attention was suddenly caught. "REEEEaaaally......" Zim wrung his hands like a mad scientist who had just gotten a fresh corpse.  
  
"DON'T even THINK about it, Zim... Those two get out and cause trouble, the police will catch them and probably throw GIR in the POUND.... And I would hope to God that SOMEONE who works with dogs so often would OBVIOUSLY notice that THAT..." Dib pointed at GIR. "...is NOT a real DOG....."   
  
Zim growled audibly. The human was RIGHT.... As much as he detested the idea, he had to COOPERATE.....with DIB.... Zim shuddered.  
  
"Are you COLD, ALIEN? OBVIOUSLY not used to Earth weather, HUH??"  
  
Oddly enough, the Irken remained unusually calm. "Do not be ridiculous, filthy one... It is just that the thought of having to cooperate with you two...STINK children.....is making me convulse in disgust...."  
  
"You don't exactly smell zestfully clean EITHER, cheese-boy..." Gaz pointed to the various cheese stains on Zim's coat that he had acquired while squished among the cheese-stained spectators in the theater lobby.  
  
Zim just sniffed in rebuttal and turned his non-existent nose up rather haughtily, like some snubbed Southern belle...  
  
Meanwhile in the shopping cart, Membrane and GIR both sucked in deep breaths, waited a moment, then...  
  
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!" The two cheerfully insane amigos howled.  
  
Dib sighed. "What do you WANT?"  
  
"CHICKEN!"  
  
"TACOS!!"  
  
"JELLY BEANS!"  
  
"DINNER MINTS!!"  
  
"BANANAS!!!"  
  
"MONGOOSE!"  
  
"They are not edible...Mongoose is not an option."  
  
"Oh, okay......LAZOONI!!!"  
  
"SUSHI!"  
  
"AND SAKE!"  
  
"PEANUT BUTTER!!"  
  
"WITH MAYONAISE!!"  
  
"AND CRANBERRIES!!"  
  
"AND A PIZZA ON TOP!!"  
  
"Do not forget the cherry..."  
  
"CHEEEEERRRRRIIIIIEEEEESSSS!!!!"  
  
"I would also like a steak...."  
  
"WITH MONGOOSE!"  
  
"Mongoose is not a an option. Please try again later... BEEP!!!"  
  
"BEEP!!! I WANT SOME BEEP!!! BEEP WITH MOOOONGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!"  
  
"Mongoose is not an option. Do not make me use sporks. I mean, FORCE.........beep....."  
  
"Hey! That's MY line!"   
  
"Since when do YOU say 'Beep'?"  
  
"I meant the part about the use of force, you pathetic sack of filthy human GIZZARDS!"  
  
"My mistake... how could I have POSSIBLY doubted you...?"  
  
"Damn straight..."  
  
Dib sighed, exasperated. "You two...." Dib caught the attention of the couple of loony birds in the cart. "How about some chips, or something? Or some microwave burritos?"  
  
The cuckoos in the cart beamed. "OKAY!!!"  
  
"GOOD..... FINE........we can get those at the gas station on the way home...." The group began walking again. "Now to get the hell OUT of here........ SOMEHOW....." Dib paused again for a moment, then turned to his arch rival, yet momentary comrade. "I don't suppose you have some sort of alien gadget or super eyesight that could help point us to the way OUT of here, DO you??"  
  
"Heh heh heh..." Zim chuckled, amused by the young paranormalist's ridiculous question. "Irkens LEARN from their MISTAKES, human... however INFREQUENTLY they may occur...."  
  
"What are you TALKING about?? And what was that..... Irken? Is that what you're CALLED? I better write this down...." Dib quickly dug out a notepad and began scribbling frantically.  
  
"DOH!" Zim slapped his forehead for letting such important information slip into the hands of his filthiest of enemies.... Zim snatched away the notepad from the raven-haired boy.  
  
"HEY! That's MINE!"  
  
"As if I would REALLY let you KEEP such information, you ridiculous beast.... I will have to find a way to erase the information from your brain once again after this.....RIDICULOUS thing is OVER.... After the last experience in your disgusting sack of filth you call a BODY, I say with all honesty that I do not EVER wish to venture within another disgusting STINKBEAST as long as I LIVE...."  
  
"Yeah, well... don't COUNT on erasing MY brain, alien SCUM! THIS brain stays under MY control..."  
  
"Heh... we will see...." Zim cleared his throat. "ANYWAY, as I was saying, after my last experience in navigating through your disgusting 'city', I made a note of handling all navigation equipment MYSELF, rather than trusting GIR with it......" Zim shot a glare at the SIR, who continued to ignore him, as he and Membrane were busy playing Jan-Ken-Pon.  
  
"WELL??" Dib poked the alien hard in the side of his head.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?"  
  
"Well, WHAT do you have that can get us OUT of here?? Or were you just MAKING IT UP??"  
  
"Um...." Zim suddenly paused, realizing he would have to put the guidance system chip into GIR's head right in front of the human... he could never tell if the boy had a camera hiding somewhere, with that wretched bulky trench coat of his... "Um....I must be alone with GIR to... get it ready...."  
  
"UH uh....NO way. You'll just TAKE OFF!"  
  
Gaz chimed in. "And without GIR, Dad might not go back! Geez, I mean... if he just took off into the city..."  
  
"Heh... he might try to follow Zim home..." Dib grinned evilly at the little alien. "And then he would see that you're an ALIEN...."  
  
Gaz took over again. "So, I think the only way to get Dad in the house is if GIR stays with for the trip...we'll figure out how to separate them after that when the time comes..."  
  
"Whoa... I think you just talked more in the past few minutes than you did all of last YEAR... I should mark this on the CALENDAR...."  
  
"Shut up, Dib, or find yourself waking up tomorrow missing a vital organ..." Gaz ground her teeth audibly. She may have been actually HELPFUL moments ago, but she was still the same angry little girl that Dib had lived with for the past 10 years...Dib couldn't help the corner of his mouth that started to smile....  
  
"So, ANYWAY, we're not letting you out of our sight, ZIM! We finally got him to settle down after the HELL we went through just FINDING him, and he's going to STAY that way..."  
  
Zim grumbled to himself, then begrudgingly took the guidance ship out of his coat pocket. "Let's go over there, where no one else will see...." They moved over to the bathroom areas. "You.... TURN AROUND!" He motioned for the siblings to turn around. "AND NO PEEKING!" Zim tried as quickly as possible to get the doggy hood off, get the chip in, and quickly replace the hood before Dib could try to sneak a peek...  
  
Zim sighed. "There. It's done..." Zim motioned to GIR. "GIR! Report upgrade status!"  
  
"SIR! Chip in place and fully functional, SIR!"  
  
Dib raised an eyebrow. "Random moment of lucidity?"  
  
Zim growled under his breath. "Quiet, HUMAN!" Zim turned back to his mechanical companion. "Now, GIR....WHERE is the nearest EXIT in this stinkhole??"  
  
GIR looked about himself, and pointed further down the corridor they were walking.  
  
"Thank Irk....." Zim muttered....  
  
"WHAT was that, Zim? I didn't quite catch that...."  
  
"I believe THIS is the appropriate gesture you humans use for this kind of situation, am I correct?" Zim blandly held up his hand in a familiar obscene gesture.  
  
Dib sneered, and pushed Zim's gloved hand away. "Droll.... TOO droll, Zim...."  
  
"May we please EXIT this disgusting facility now, oh one of tremendous FILTH?"  
  
"After YOU, you walking LIZARD....."  
  
"I despise you..." Zim made little throat-cutting motions as he passed by the human boy.  
  
"The feeling is QUITE mutual..." Dib smiled, and made little motions as though he were cutting with a scalpel.   
  
"I STILL say you guys LIKE each other..." Gaz grinned evilly to herself.  
  
Both enemies turned a shade of SOMETHING, then turned around to face the speaker of such blasphemy. "YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!!"  
  
Gaz just snickered, and started to push the cart, and the group was finally on their way.... 


	5. A Little Song, A Little Dance, A Little ...

It is now time for the FIFTH chapter of this thrilling tale of friendship, family tensions, and pizza.  
  
I don't own ANYTHING here. I own NOTHING, and if you sued me, you would GET nothing. I am just a poor college student using writing to cope with stress. LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DAMN QUAILS!!  
  
PART FIVE!!  
  
"A Little Song, A Little Dance, A Little Seltzer Down the Pants"  
  
~ * ~  
  
While it may have taken nearly 15 minutes to finally reach the exit of the enormous shopping haven, the reluctant comrades agreed that it was well worth the walk to get out of the noisy place. It was now a not-so-short walk 3 miles away, and they would all be able to put this whole mess behind them…  
  
"IN THE TOOOOOOOOWN, WHERE I WAS BOOOOOOORN,  
  
LIVED A MAAAAAAAN, WHO SAILED THE SEEAAAAA,  
  
AND HE TOOOOOLD US OF HIS LIIIIIIIIFE,  
  
IN THE LAAAAAAAAAND, OF SUBMARIIIIINES….."  
  
Much to the annoyance of the three SANE members of the group, Membrane and GIR had decided to pass the time away by SINGING….  
  
"SO WE SAAIIIIILED ON TO THE SUN,  
  
UNTIL WE FOOOOOOUUUND THE SEA OF GREEEEEN,  
  
AND WE LIIIIIIIIVED BENEATH THE WAAAAAAVES,  
  
IN OUR YEEEELLOOOW SUBMARIIIIIIINE…."  
  
"I don't know how much of this I can TAKE…" Dib rubbed his temples with his fingertips.  
  
"It could be worse…. They COULD be singing Britney Spears songs…." Gaz seemed the only one of the group that remained completely calm about the whole situation. She just wanted to get home, and get the whole thing OVER with…  
  
"What is WRONG with your parental unit?? Is this NORMAL behavior for you humans??" Up until now, Zim had remained unusually quiet for the entire five minutes they had been walking since leaving the mall…  
  
"What do YOU think?" Dib snapped at the alien.  
  
"Well, considering SOME of the strange customs on this planet, I wouldn't be SURPRISED…."  
  
"LOOK, you oversized IGUANA…" Dib began, before Gaz cut him off.  
  
"QUIT FLIRTING OVER THERE!!"  
  
Both males directed venomous glares at the female member in the group. Gaz just grinned wickedly to herself.  
  
Dib and Zim looked over at each other. Zim snarled, bearing the slightly pinkish, zipper-like teeth that were characteristic of his race. "That…. SISTER……of yours…….." Zim sneered at Gaz and hissed under his breath like an angry feline.  
  
"Don't EVEN….." Dib warned.  
  
"Hmph… I see now that intelligence, or LACK thereof, really IS hereditary on your miserable little planet, DIB…."  
  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?!?" Dib's eye twitched slightly, and his upper lip curled to show the one lone canine tooth that for whatever reasons survived in the human dental formula for millions of years.  
  
"Heh…if you didn't understand THAT, then I'm obviously RIGHT…." Zim chuckled to himself.  
  
"YOU…….YOU…!!" Dib was ready to strangle the Irken Invader, until he was pelted in the back of head with a carrot stick.  
  
"BULLSEYE!!!" GIR started cackling with glee. Membrane snickered once, but stopped before he might get yelled at. Gaz, who had been watching the pair out of the corner of her eye, had a rather amused-looking smile on her face.  
  
Dib glared at the little SIR over his shoulder, then shot a silencing glance at his nemesis, who merely grinned quite smugly at the angry raven- haired boy.  
  
"I CAN MAKE CHEESE JUICE!!!"!!! The siblings and the alien looked over at the scientist, who just sat in the cart with his eyes fixated on watching the sidewalk passing below.  
  
"Your father is…..STRANGE…." Zim watched the scientist curiously.  
  
"Yeah, well at least I HAVE one, you….ALIEN TEST TUBE BABY!!!" Dib yelled.  
  
"HMPH! Your breeding methods are inefficient, you inane little STINK blossom of a HUMAN….We have no need for such ancient concepts as 'parenthood'…" The Irken regarded the boy condescendingly.  
  
"A-HA! So you ADMIT it!" Dib pointed at the alien, who was busy removing his fake beard. It had been starting to itch…  
  
"And just what would you DO with such TRIVIAL information as THAT, Dib? Besides… it's not like either of YOU don't already KNOW…however, you two little bundles of waste do not prove a threat to ZIM!" Zim removed his hat and coat as he spoke, then tossed them into the cart with the two cuckoos, who were now BOTH contentedly staring at the sidewalk as it passed beneath them…  
  
"HA! ONE day I'll expose you, ZIM! ONE day the world will SEE!" Dib shook a fist at the sky.  
  
"NO ONE will ever BELIEVE you, you ingratiating little pug-nosed TOADSTOOL…." Zim fixed his "hat hair" nonchalantly as he spoke.  
  
"Then I'll MAKE them believe!! WAIT! WHAT did you say??? Hey, I don't have a PUG nose! I have a NICE nose…." Dib self-consciously touched his hand to his nose.  
  
"Since when are YOU so vain?" Gaz commented as she continued facing forward.  
  
"I'm NOT vain! I just don't think I have a PUG NOSE…Mom used to say I had a CUTE nose…." Dib turned to Zim. "So THERE!" Dib stuck his tongue out at his rival, then pointed in Zim's face. "And, anyway, at least I HAVE a nose!! You freaky nose-less SNOT GOBLIN!"  
  
"We don't NEED noses…our senses are a MILLION times better than a pathetic HUMAN! So top THAT, you primitive little FUNGUS!"  
  
The group suddenly stopped walking – the two rivals standing face-to-face as the other three watched the verbal battle unfold.  
  
"OH! THAT'S interesting coming from someone who's the color of BREAD MOLD!!  
  
"Yeah, well your GLASSES are so THICK, you look at a MAP and see people WAVING!"  
  
"Yeah, well your TEETH are SO CROOKED that when you SMILE, it looks like your MOUTH is throwing out GANG SIGNS!"  
  
GIR and Membrane watched the interesting verbal exchange intently, as though they were watching a tennis match… their heads kept turning back and forth to each speaker…  
  
"My teeth are PERFECT by Irken standards, STINK BOY! Besides, your EGO is so big, it arrives at school 30 minutes before YOU do! Heh… at least your EGO would always be on time for class…."  
  
"HEY! I'm not ALWAYS late!! And at least when I AM, I'm doing something IMPORTANT!"  
  
"Like WHAT? Using a couple of last-minute CANS of hairspray on that GIANT COWLICK??"  
  
"THAT'S IT! IT'S GO TIME!!!!" Dib got into a fighting stance, ready to tackle the alien menace. However, just as he was about to charge the little Irken, he was suddenly yanked backwards.  
  
"KNOCK….IT….OFF!!!" Gaz had grabbed Dib by his odd scythe of hair. Zim chuckled to himself, and Gaz shot him a glare. "YOU TOO, YOU SMUG BASTARD!!!" Zim's eyes went wide, and he was quickly silent. Gaz's eye was twitching like mad. "Now, GET WALKING!!!" The little girl screeched at the two adversaries.  
  
The group was soon moving along again…..VERY QUIETLY……  
  
Well… MOST of them, at least…  
  
"WHOO! HOW YA LIKE THAT, BITCH?!?!?" GIR pointed at Dib, who scowled at the little lime robot dog. "You got SCHOOOOOOOOOOLED….."  
  
"I AM NAPOLEON!!!" Membrane exclaimed proudly, then began to sing "Le Marseilles".  
  
Dib had a grim expression on his face. "Hey, how come you're not yelling at THEM to shut up??" Dib queried of his younger sibling.  
  
"Because THEY don't KNOW any better… and besides, the little robot-puppy thing is kinda CUTE…" Gaz reached up and patted GIR on the head.  
  
"Aw… I can't help it if I'm CUTE…" GIR had a broad, goofy smile on his face.  
  
"DUCK tape!" Membrane exclaimed out of nowhere.  
  
Dib sighed, exasperated. "It's 'DUCT' tape, Dad… with a 'T'…"  
  
"DUCK tape!"  
  
"DUC-T tape….DUK-T….DUUUUK..-...T……" Dib emphasized the hard pronunciation on the "T".  
  
"DUCK tape!"  
  
"DUC-T tape!"  
  
"DUCK!"  
  
"DUC-T!" Zim was now joining in the argument just for the sake of arguing.  
  
"DUCK!" GIR joined Membrane's side. The group had now stopped walking again…  
  
"DUC-T!!!"  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUC-TT!!!!"  
  
"DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK!!!!"  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCC-TTTTTT!!!!!" Dib and Zim screeched. They were quickly gathering a crowd of spectators…  
  
"DUCKETY DUCKY DUCK DUCK!!!!"  
  
"DUC-T!!! DUC-T, GODDAMMIT!!!" An old woman in a wheelchair yelled out.  
  
"DUCK! DUCK! DUCK DUCK DUCK!!"  
  
"DUCK DUCK GOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!" Screamed a crazy naked man wearing a flannel hat with earflaps as he fled past the group.  
  
"DUC-T!!! DUUUUUC-T!!"  
  
The "Tape War" was suddenly interrupted as Gaz started screaming loudly in the highest and most grating pitch she could muster. The spectators quickly made haste in leaving the scene.  
  
"SHUUUUUT…….UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP………….!!!!" The little girl screeched, piercing the eardrums of anyone within a mile radius.  
  
While covering his ears, Dib noticed the front window of the store they were in front of starting to crack….  
  
Dib smacked Zim in the arm, and pointed to the window.  
  
"What was THAT for…??? GAH!" Zim caught sight of the growing crack in the large glass pane.  
  
"SHIIIIIT!!!!!! GAZ, STOP!!!" Dib tried to yell over his sister's screaming. Seeing the crack only growing further and further to the edges of the pane, Dib motioned to Zim to start running as he grabbed the handle of the cart and started pushing. They went as far as a half a block away before Dib turned to go back for his sister, who was still screeching at the top of her lungs. However, before he could reach her to pull her out of the way, the thick pane shattered, tiny shards of glass showering the streets, and raining down upon the angry little girl. Dib instinctively covered his head with his coat to avoid getting hit by any of the sharp pieces of glass.  
  
The store alarm blared, and Dib's eyes flew open in terror. He got up from his position, and quickly ran to grab his sister. The sound of the glass breaking had made her stop screaming, but she seemed slightly in shock. Dib hoisted the tiny girl over his shoulder and ran towards where Zim was frantically waving his arms. Dib quickly put Gaz in the cart with GIR and Membrane, who were screaming their heads off. The two antagonists ran like mad with the cart, ducking into a nearby alley and diving behind a large dumpster.  
  
Dib was nearly hyperventilating. He tried to come to his senses, then quickly checked his sibling. "GAZ!!! ARE YOU OKAY???"  
  
Gaz still seemed in a state of slight shock. Her eyes were open quite wide, and she turned her head slowly to look at her brother. "I'm…………."  
  
Dib lightly shook Gaz by the shoulders. "GAZ!!!!"  
  
"FINE!!" Gaz suddenly came to her senses. "I'm fine….." She had a few minor knicks on the back of her legs, where her beloved pink and black striped tights now had many large runs cut into them.  
  
Dib turned to his rival. "NOW what the Hell are we gonna do??" He asked, panic seeping into his voice.  
  
Zim shook his head slowly as he thought for a moment. "I…….I don't……WAIT!!" Zim looked over at his SIR. "GIR! Do you think you can push the weight of the cart with all of the rest of us in it?"  
  
GIR just shrugged. "I'm SCARED, Master….!!" He cried, obviously frightened.  
  
"ME TOO!!!" Membrane added. Though he was not quite SANE as yet, he was still cognizant of the situation at hand…  
  
"Dib, get in the cart! GIR, you get ready to use your jets!!!" Zim positioned the cart, and he and Dib hopped in. GIR hopped out, and grabbed the handle.  
  
"What NOW, Master??" GIR yelped as he dangled from the handlebar of the shopping cart.  
  
"Your JETS, GIR!! TURN ON YOUR JETS!!!" GIR quickly did as he was told.  
  
"WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!" Dib held onto the sides of the cart as it suddenly shot forward at nearly 40 mph.  
  
"GIR, THAT WAY!!! NOW THAT WAY!!!! ERGH….USE YOUR CHIP, AND TAKE US TO THE DIB HOME!!!!" Zim sat in the front of the cart barking orders at his mechanical companion. The cart sped dangerously through the urban labyrinth of back alleys, crowded streets, and busy intersections.  
  
"Zim, do you ALWAYS have to WREAK HAVOC EVERYWHERE you GO?!??" Dib screamed at the alien.  
  
"It's not MY fault we had to do it this way!!!" Zim snarled back at the boy.  
  
"Think of it THIS way, Dib… Would you rather be put in JUVI HALL???" Gaz snapped at her older brother.  
  
"It's probably better than being at SKOOL with MS. BITTERS….."  
  
"Good point…"  
  
As the cart entered the suburban part of the city, Zim motioned for GIR to go slower. Thankfully, most of the suburban citizens were either out shopping, or staying in and sleeping, so no one noticed the shopping cart full of people being pushed down the street by a flying green dog…  
  
Within minutes, they were upon the familiar purple house with the double roof. GIR slowed the cart until it stopped neatly on the front porch. The four passengers climbed out of the metal death cart.  
  
"Now THAT was a ride I'll never forget…. No matter HOW hard I try…." Dib straightened his glasses.  
  
"Yeah, well… we're HERE… now GIVE ME MY SIR, so I can GO HOME!" Zim smoothed out his synthetic pompadour.  
  
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!! FOOD FOOD FOOOOOOOOOD!!!!" Membrane and GIR yelled as they did a little "hungry" dance.  
  
"WE can get food at HOME, GIR!! Now, C'MON!" Zim motioned for the little lime-colored puppy to leave.  
  
"But we were gonna play CANASTA!!!" GIR whined.  
  
"Mr. Parrot's mommy, can Parrot stay over???" Membrane queried of the annoyed Irken.  
  
"PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASE???" GIR pleaded. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!?!?"  
  
"ERGH….SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!!!!" Gaz screeched. "Just COME INSIDE already!!! Before the damn COPS get here!!!" GIR and the Professor happily skipped into the house, and Dib just shrugged and followed with the cart. Gaz, too, turned to enter the house.  
  
"HEY!!!!" Zim growled, then ran up to the porch. Gaz stopped and held the door open. Zim froze just short of entering, and eyed the girl suspiciously. Gaz just shrugged, and Zim cautiously entered the large house.  
  
The little Irken walked into the living room to where GIR and Membrane were already embroiled in a game of canasta. When they noticed the alien, the Professor chucked a small throw pillow at him. "YOU'RE IT!!!!! NYAR NYAR!!!!"  
  
"Master, I'm HUUUUUUUUUUUUNGRY!!!!"  
  
"I ALSO HUNGER!!! BRING ME DANISH, PASTRY WENCH!!!" Membrane shook a fist at the little alien.  
  
Zim looked over at Dib, who was standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning on the cart handle. Dib just shrugged, obviously too tired to do anything else. Zim turned to look at Gaz, who also just gave a shrug in response.  
  
"Ergh…. COULD you people POSSIBLY answer with your MOUTHS, rather than your SHOULDERS?????" Zim snarled through gritted teeth.  
  
"We don't HAVE any danishes….." Dib replied, then yawned.  
  
"Guess you'll have to go GET some…." Gaz walked over by GIR and her father and sat on the couch to watch them play cards.  
  
"MEEEEE??? WAIT, how do I know that YOU guys will STAY HERE, and not KIDNAP GIR, or something??? And how do I know you won't TAKE PICTURES of him while I'm GONE??" Zim put his hands on his hips and regarded his nemesis suspiciously.  
  
Dib just sighed, then stood up straight. "Frankly, I couldn't care LESS right now, Zim…. I'd rather SLEEP…. Hell, I'd even sleep in this SHOPPING cart…." Dib kicked the side of the cart, which gave off a low metal hum…. "Besides… where's the challenge in THAT?" Dib yawned. "Maybe I'll do it tomorrow…but for NOW…" Dib walked over to the couch and plunked himself down on the other end opposite his sibling. He quick fished in his pants pocket and pulled out a $20 bill. He rolled it up and flicked it at the alien with a smug smile before curling up on his side and pulling a throw pillow under his head. He yawned again. "Dad likes cheese danishes, Gaz probably wants a frozen pizza, you know better than I do what GIR eats, and I want a big bag of Funyuns and a box of mini blueberry muffins…" Dib yawned once more. "And try to make it snappy, space boy…" With that, the sleepy little paranormalist pulled the blanket off the back of the couch over himself, and promptly tuned out the rest of the world. Gaz mockingly waved 'bye-bye' at the simmering alien, then went back to watching the card game.  
  
"See ya later, fruitcake!" Membrane and GIR paused momentarily from their game to wave the Irken goodbye, then returned to ignoring him.  
  
Zim's eye twitched violently, and he looked down at the rolled-up $20 at his feet. He angrily snatched up the money, and stormed out the front door, slamming it behind him.  
  
"Mark my words, Dib…. You WILL pay for this…..I SWEAR it….." Zim yawned as he started down towards the nearest Super A station… "This is going to be a LOOOOOONG, HORRIBLE night….." 


	6. Weebles Wobble, But They Still Smell Lik...

Am I FLYING with this thing, or WHAT??? It is now time for CHAPTER 6!!! Yes, CHAPTER 6!!! HUZZAH!!! THREE CHEERS AND A TIGER FOR ME!!! Yes…. Well…. I must now come up with another inane title that does not make sense….  
  
  
  
PART SIX!!  
  
  
  
"Weebles Wobble, But They Still Smell Like Butt"  
  
~ * ~  
  
Zim schlepped the measly two blocks over to the Super A station as though he had gotten prematurely flat feet from chasing after GIR all day. The little bell over the door jingled as the tiny Irken stepped inside the little convenience store.  
  
"Good evening!" Some rotund schmuk with a bushy gray beard sitting behind the counter half-heartedly greeted the alien.  
  
"No… in order for THAT to happen, certain people would have to DIE…." Zim grumbled in response.  
  
The bearded loser just shrugged and went back to reading the latest issue of "Field and Stream".  
  
Zim grudgingly gathered all the items the earth boy had mentioned, and picked out some microwave burritos for GIR. He passed the Fun Dip on his way to the checkout, and after becoming entranced by the thought of delicious cherry Fun Dip, decided he deserved a little treat for all the hell he had been forced to put up with…..it still took him a while to make it to the counter, after he spotted some Kiwi shoe polish (those boots WERE getting rather dull….) and a deck of cards (he needed SOMETHING to do to avoid conversation with the HUMANS…Solitaire was far better than facing the torture of the Dib human's ingratiating voice…).  
  
Zim had quite an armload by the time he reached the large, unshaven man at the cash register. "WHOA! You sure you GOT all that, little fella??"  
  
Zim growled under his breath…the human did NOT have to RUB IT IN…. "Yes, stinkbeast, I am well aware of my lack of height…." Zim tossed the load onto the counter with less than care. As the human clerk/slave rang up the purchases using that ridiculously ancient price-checking machine, Zim surveyed the rest of the store…It was decent enough for an emergency rest stop, he supposed….Though, it was certainly no "Foodcourtia", THAT was for sure…  
  
"Okay, that'll be $30.75….you want a BAG for this, I assume?  
  
"$30.75??? Ergh…yeah, alright….." Zim dug around in his pockets while mumbling something about primitive humans and their primitive "inflation", then turned up a $10 bill to add to the $20, and an extra dollar to cover the rest. The overweight clerk rung up the cash, and handed Zim a quarter in change. The Irken then spotted some very delicious-looking peppermint patties in a little jar on the counter…  
  
"Hmmm…..can I get two of those??" Zim handed the man the quarter, which would be just enough to cover the cost with tax. The man fished out a couple of the mint patties and dropped them into the little alien's outstretched hands.  
  
"Anything ELSE?"  
  
"Hmmmm….." Zim suddenly remembered what he would more than likely be putting up with for the rest of the night… "You got any Quaaludes?"  
  
~ * ~  
  
Meanwhile, things were actually rather quiet back at the purple house with the double roof… Dib napped peacefully, nose making an occasional little whistling sound every now and then, but nothing as noticeable as to bother anyone… Gaz actually seemed rather content to watch the card players matching wits… or lack thereof…  
  
"KING ME!!!" GIR slapped his hand down on the table.  
  
"HA!! I HAVE TWO CHICKENS, A HORSE, AND THE OLD MAID!!!! PAY UP, SUCKA!!!"  
  
"Aw, MAN!" GIR pulled a carrot stick out of his head, and handed it over to Membrane, who promptly put some glue on it, and stuck it to the table leg, where it could now make friends with the other five carrot sticks the scientist had won…  
  
"Hey, can I get some-a those?" Gaz really wished Zim would hurry up with the FOOD…  
  
"You'll have to EARN your share, little missy! HAVE A SEAT, SISTAH!" Gaz plopped down at the end of the table, and her father dealt her out a hand of cards.  
  
Gaz stared at the odd playing cards. "WAIT a minute…. These aren't PLAYING CARDS!! They're random cards from Old Maid, UNO, The Matching Game, and an Old English TAROT DECK!!…."  
  
"Well, DUUUUH!" GIR and the Professor said at once.  
  
"You can't play cards with THESE!!"  
  
"YOU just don't know HOW!!!" Membrane picked up the hand he had dealt himself. "Ah-HA!!! I've got a Reverse Play, a Death, a pretty rainbow, a five of pentacles, an apple, a cow, and BOBO THE HOBO!!! PAY UP, SHNIZNIT!!!"  
  
"Aw, MAN!" GIR reluctantly forked over another carrot stick.  
  
"WAIT a minute… how did he win with THAT??? And who the heck is 'Bobo the Hobo'??" Gaz queried incredulously.  
  
"DUUUUUH!!! THAT'S Bobo!!! GIR pointed at the card Membrane held in his hand.  
  
"That's called 'The Emperor'…. NOT 'Bobo the Hobo'…."  
  
"Well, WE think his name should be BOBO! So he is now Bobo…" GIR nodded matter-of-factly.  
  
"Well, still….how is THAT a winning HAND???"  
  
"DUUU - UUUUH!!! Bobo ate the rainbow like the commercial said, but then he reversed it up, and he got sick and died, and so the cow took over Bristol, and there are pentacles in the apples, so the moosies cannot eat them!!! Are you SO BLIND?????"  
  
Gaz just sighed, and decided she liked the game better as a spectator sport.  
  
Just as she retreated back to her position on the couch, Zim returned with an enormous armload of groceries. He quickly fished out his mints and Fun Dip, and set the bag on the kitchen table. "DIG IN, YOU DISGUSTING MONGRELS!!!"  
  
Dib suddenly snapped out of his sleep, and flew off the couch. He was already almost all the way IN the bag when Gaz, Membrane and GIR got there…  
  
"HEY!!! SAVE SOME FOR US, YA PIG!!" The other three dove at the bag, and collected their various treats.  
  
After the ravenous hounds had retreated back into their den, Zim went back in the bag to retrieve the other necessities he had purchased. The bag was completely EMPTY….  
  
"HEY!!! LOOKIE, YO TONGUE IS BLACK!!!!" GIR cried, and started giggling like a maniac. Zim ran into the living room, where the Professor sat holding an empty Kiwi shoe polish can.  
  
"KIWI SHOW POLISH TURNS YOUR TONGUE BLACK!!! TTHEEEEE???" Membrane stuck out his blackened tongue at the invader.  
  
"JUST LIKE LICORICE BUBBLE GUM!!!" GIR chirped gleefully.  
  
Gaz nudged her brother as she chomped on the cold frozen pizza. "Dib…..Dad just consumed an entire can of Kiwi shoe polish…"  
  
"Yeah, cool…." Dib was too busy vehemently stuffing mini muffins into his mouth to notice. He looked like a puffy-cheeked little squirrel saving up reserves for the winter…..  
  
"DIB!!!" Gaz slapped the box of muffins out of her brother's hands.  
  
"WHAAA-AAAT???" Dib complained, mouth full of little blueberry muffins.  
  
"DAD JUST ATE SHOE POLISH!!! WE SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!"  
  
"OKAY!!!!!!!" Dib picked the box up off the floor and snuck one last muffin before setting the box on the table. He then turned towards Zim, who had removed the hood of GIR's doggie suit, and was looking around inside the robot's head with a flashlight while the SIR happily munched on frozen burritos.  
  
"ZIM! Could you take Dad down to his lab, and hook him up to the stomach pump? He ate your shoe polish…"  
  
"I KNOW he did…" Zim dug around inside the SIR's head for a moment, then produced his pack of cards, still in mint condition inside its wrapper. "And GIR had my CARDS…."  
  
"AWWWwwww….." GIR pouted as Zim pulled the puppy hood back over the little robot's empty metal head. "Why don't YOU hook him up to the stomach pump??? This isn't MY house!!!! Thank Irk…." Zim mumbled the last part under his breath. "Anyway, how would I even KNOW when I found the RIGHT MACHINE, let alone know how to OPERATE such primitive things!!! Besides, I'm NOT your damn BITCH!!!"  
  
"HMPH…..FINE…." Dib replied coldly, then grabbed his father by his sleeve. "C'mon, Dad…. There's some…..CANDY….down in the LAB….."  
  
"YAY!! CANDY!!! I DEMAND SKITTLES SO THAT I MAY TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah…. Whatever….Let's just get that shoe polish out of your system before it makes you even WORSE…."  
  
Dib dragged his father down to the lab, while Zim pulled up a TV tray to a recliner in the corner, and busied himself with opening up his new package of cards.  
  
GIR, meanwhile, had turned his attention to the living room TV, which was even bigger than the viewing screen they had back at the base. GIR clicked the remote excitedly until he finally found something interesting…  
  
"Let me tell you something, Mr. Stivic… YOU are a MEATHEAD!"  
  
GIR kicked his little metallic legs in the air. "YAY!!! I love this show…."  
  
While GIR was engrossed in another classic Archie Bunker argument, Gaz continued finishing off the last few slices of her frozen pizza, savoring every bite of her favorite food.  
  
After a few minutes, Dib reemerged from the lab, leading a rather ill looking Membrane by the arm.  
  
"I think he'll be okay, now…." Dib looked up at his father, who promptly let out a loud belch.  
  
"PHYSICALLY, maybe…." Zim quipped while he studied the layout of cards on the tray.  
  
"So you got all the shoe polish out?" Gaz said, sticking the last bit of pizza in her mouth.  
  
"Among other things…" Dib held up a soiled pastel blue thong sandal. "Does this belong to anyone?"  
  
"Holy Christ….Dad's feasting on footwear…."  
  
"I DID NO SUCH THING!!!" Membrane denied, then belched again.  
  
"Then HOW did it get in your STOMACH??" Dib queried of his parental unit.  
  
"……..The dolphins."  
  
"RIIIIIIIIIIGHT……" Dib just sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. He REALLY hoped his father would get over this soon….  
  
'Well, Dib, he may have been driving us NUTS this past 12 or so hours, but you can always think of it THIS way: At least we're getting to spend some TIME with him…." Gaz was now sitting next to GIR in front of the TV.  
  
"Yeah, I guess…. It's a good thing it's still part of the holiday break, so he doesn't have to do his show… but they must be going NUTS down at the lab!"  
  
~ * ~  
  
(Downtown)  
  
"AAAAAAGGGGHHH!!! WHERE IS HE?!? WHERE IS HE?!?!? HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO OPERATE THE GENERATORS!!!" The normally levelheaded scientists were running amok in panic as various things exploded… "DEAR GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
~ * ~  
  
"Ah, they'll be fine…" Gaz picked a piece of fuzz off the carpet.  
  
"SOOOO……NOW what do we do??" Dib questioned, as he plopped himself down on the couch.  
  
"I want more shoe polish…" Membrane pouted, then belched yet again.  
  
"I don't THINK so." Dib rolled his eyes, then turned his attention to the TV.  
  
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Pollack!" The irascible Archie Bunker quipped onscreen.  
  
Dib sighed and shook his head. "The sad thing is, there are STILL people who think like Archie Bunker…"  
  
"Yes…But are they as FUNNY? I think not…" Gaz smiled at the screen.  
  
"Well…. Back THEN, it was even MORE controversial, because so many political, ethical, and social upheavals were taking place… it was just after the Civil Rights movement, and there was Women's Lib, and the cost of living, and so many other issues going on… the show DOES do a good job of making people AWARE of those things…" Dib turned to his father. "That was back in YOUR time, HUH, Dad?"  
  
Membrane regarded his son with a rather blank look, then suddenly turned and pointed at a nearby lamp. "WHALE SPOUTS AND MONGEESE! I AM THE EMPORER OF GUATAMALA! DICTATE MY CORN BREAD!!"  
  
Dib just sighed, and made himself comfortable on the couch. He looked over at his rival, who seemed quite engrossed in another game of solitaire. He rather envied the alien's ability to just coldly tune out the rest of the world. "Where'd you learn to play Solitaire? Do they actually HAVE that on your planet??" Dib asked the little Irken out of boredom and curiosity.  
  
Zim didn't bother to look up from his cards. "No." Zim picked up a couple of cards and placed them in a new line. "It was on one of your human computers at the "public library", I believe you call it…. Simple games for simple minds, I suppose…"  
  
"Well, YOU'RE the one PLAYING it, ZIM…" Dib smirked.  
  
The alien sighed. "Only to avoid conversation with you ridiculous creatures…"  
  
Dib just rolled his eyes. He looked over at his father, who was sitting on the floor counting his toes. Gaz and GIR seemed mesmerized by the television, and Zim went back to playing Solitaire. This was BORING….If there was one thing Dib detested MORE than Zim, it was BOREDOM….  
  
It wasn't really in his nature to INTENTIONALLY cause trouble, but in this case, a boy has to do what a boy has to do…  
  
Dib slipped off the couch and quietly snuck under the table, unnoticed by the other occupants in the room. Gaz and GIR were sitting just in front of the table. While purposefully pestering his sister was the best way for a person to get horribly MAIMED, the raven-haired boy had no alternative. In times of desperation, people often did crazy things…Besides, his "big brother" instincts were so rarely put to use, he would have boiled over if he didn't do SOMETHING about it…  
  
Slowly, carefully, quietly, Dib reached a hand up from under the table, and flicked his younger sibling in the back of the head. Dib quickly ducked back under the table as Gaz turned to the little robot puppy sitting next to her.  
  
"Knock it off!" Gaz warned. GIR just looked up at her, even more confused than usual.  
  
Dib stifled a snicker, and reached up and plunked the little girl in the back of the head again.  
  
"KNOCK IT OFF!!!"  
  
"WHAT??? WHA'D I DO?? WHA'D I DO???" The little SIR panicked.  
  
"Quite plonkin' me in the back of the head!!!"  
  
GIR just looked even more confused (if that is possible), and continued watching TV.  
  
Dib was enjoying this immensely… Tempting fate, he carefully reached his hand up, and again flicked his little sister in the head.  
  
Gaz stood up. "GODDAMMIT, KNOCK IT OFF!!!!"  
  
"WHAT?? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!" GIR proclaimed his innocence.  
  
"Well, if YOU didn't do it, who DID?" Gaz put her hands on her hips.  
  
"The Dib did it. He's hiding under the table…" Zim nonchalantly commented as he picked up another card and placed it in a line.  
  
"Huh…..He's more aware of things than I THOUGHT…..Damn him…." Dib thought to himself, then quickly got out from under the table just before his sister dove for him. Dib ran for the bathroom, and locked the door behind him just as Gaz came into view. The little girl stood outside the bathroom door.  
  
"DIB!!! LEMME IN THERE SO I CAN POUND YOU, OR I'M GONNA TEAR UP YOUR COMIC BOOKS!"  
  
"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!!"  
  
"Oh, WOULDN'T I??" Gaz stomped on the floor loudly, then softer, attempting to give Dib the impression that she was running to his room. Dib flung open the door in panic, and Gaz grabbed him by the collar of his trench coat.  
  
"GAZ!!! C'mon, I HAD to!! I was BORED!!! And I can't HELP it!!! I'm a big brother!!! I'm genetically PREDISPOSED to pick on my sister!! It was building up, I HAD to let it out!!!" Dib covered his face with his arms just as Gaz was about to smack him, but the sound of broken glass interrupted their proceedings. The two siblings looked at each other, then quickly made their way back downstairs, nearly tripping over each other in the process.  
  
When they finally got back downstairs, they found GIR and Membrane in the kitchen, staring at a broken jar of mayonnaise on the floor.  
  
"Maybe it wasn't old enough yet…" The Professor commented to the little robot dog as they stared at the blob of mayo and broken glass on the floor. They then noticed the two siblings standing in the doorway. Membrane waved at them. "WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR DILLY, YO??"  
  
Dib put a hand to his forehead. "WHY did you break the jar of mayonnaise??"  
  
"We were trying to teach it how to FLY!" GIR replied cheerfully.  
  
"I guess it was not ready..." The Professor added glumly.  
  
Dib just sighed, and walked over to the closet by the stairs, and dug out a mop and bucket. "I suppose I'd better get to cleaning this up…" He looked at Zim, who was still occupied playing Solitaire. Dib frowned. "Why weren't you WATCHING them??"  
  
"Since when am I a BABYSITTER?" The alien glanced up in annoyance at the human boy.  
  
"NEVERMIND…." Dib stormed off in a huff back into the kitchen just as Gaz was leaving.  
  
The little girl sat back down in front of the TV. "Your robot is an IDIOT." She commented to Zim as she faced forward.  
  
"So is your FATHER…" Zim snapped back, not looking up from his game.  
  
"So are YOU…" Gaz added through gritted teeth.  
  
"The feeling is mutual…." The alien growled. The two returned to ignoring each other as Membrane and GIR came running through the room, then smack into the front door. They both fell to the floor. Zim noticed them out of the corner of his eye, and made a slight sound of disgust before continuing his game. The two loonies quickly got back on their feet, and started rip- roaring back towards the kitchen. Just as they got through the kitchen doorway, they slipped and skidded on the mayonnaise that Dib was just about to clean up. The scientist and the robot crashed into the dishwasher after leaving a trail of mayonnaise across the entire kitchen floor.  
  
Dib slapped his forehead. "YOU TWO!! GET OUT OF HERE!!! SHOO!!! Go outside and hose yourselves off, then GO TO YOUR ROOMS!!!" Dib shooed the two out the back door, and slammed it behind them.  
  
Membrane and GIR just stood there on the back porch for a moment. They looked at each other, and just shrugged. They then noticed the coiled-up hose hanging on a hook, and took it down. The Professor hooked the hose up to the outdoor faucet, and turned on the water. The spray came shooting out, and knocked over the little robot in the puppy suit.  
  
"UH OH! TOO MUCH AQUA!!!" Membrane turned the water pressure down, and handed the hose to GIR. "HERE YA GO, BUDDY!! HAVE THIS HOSE AS A TOKEN OF…..STUFF!!!"  
  
"WOOT!" GIR washed the mayo off his doggy suit, then while Membrane was preoccupied with picking paint chips off the side of the house, GIR turned the hose on him.  
  
"YIIIIIIPE!!!!" The Professor nearly jumped three feet straight up. "ACK!!! YOU HOSED ME BUM!!! I WILL GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!!!" Membrane chased after the little SIR, who was cackling hysterically while running and still carrying the hose. Then, GIR suddenly stopped, causing the scientist to trip over him. Membrane tumbled over in the grass, adding some nice new streaks of green to go with the various other colored stains on his lab coat. "WHY YOU STOP??"  
  
"We s'posed ta go to our ROOMS!"  
  
"Oh. OKAY!" Membrane turned off the water faucet, and ran into the house, with GIR fast on his heels. They slipped and skidded on the wet floor that Dib had just finished mopping.  
  
"HEY!!! ERGH!!!!" Dib threw down the mop, and glared at the two cuckoos after they finally stopped sliding. There was now a big streak of mud and grass across the floor. "YOU!!! TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, and CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES!!!" Dib pointed at his father. He then motioned to GIR. "YOU!! TAKE OFF THE COSTUME!!" GIR complied, handing his puppy suit over to the irritated little boy. Membrane kicked his boots off, and ran upstairs to change. Dib looked at the soiled costume in his hands, and went to go throw it in the washer.  
  
As Dib was heading to the laundry room, Membrane suddenly screeched from upstairs…  
  
"ALL I OWN IS WHITE THINGS!!!!! LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF WHITE THINGS!!!!"  
  
Dib froze before heading down the basement, and walked to the bottom of the 1st floor stairs. He yelled up at his father. "WELL, PUT ONE OF THEM ON, SO I CAN WASH THE ONE YOU WERE WEARING!!"  
  
"I DO NOT WANT TO WEAR WHITE!!! I WANT TO WEAR GREEN!!! I WANT TO BE A GREEN BEAN!!!"  
  
"Then just go roll around in the GRASS again…" Dib mumbled to himself. "JUST PUT ONE OF THEM ON ANYWAY!! MAYBE TOMORROW WE'LL BUY YOU SOMETHING GREEN!!"  
  
"HUZZAH!!!" The Professor yelled before Dib heard the bedroom door slam shut again. The frazzled boy just heaved a tremendous sigh, and shook his head. "Now I know what it feels like to be a mother…" The little paranormalist gave a defeated chuckle, and headed back down to the laundry room.  
  
GIR had hopped along back into the living room, and planted himself back in front of the TV like a little weed. Gaz looked over at the little SIR next to her.  
  
"Where's your costume?"  
  
GIR just shrugged. "The dude guy took it…"  
  
"OooooKAAAY……"  
  
Zim suddenly looked up from his cards, and noticed that his SIR was now fully exposed to the humans. "GIR!!! WHERE IS YOUR DISGUISE?!?"  
  
"I dunno….Dib took it…"  
  
Zim growled low in his throat. "DIB……He's UP to something…. Where did he go, GIR?"  
  
"Um….somewhere…."  
  
Zim sighed, and put a gloved hand to his forehead. He pushed the TV tray out of the way and got up out of the recliner. Just as he was about to go look for the human boy, Dib entered the living room, holding a spray bottle full of some blue-colored liquid.  
  
"STINKBEAST!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH GIR'S SUIT?!?!?" Zim pointed at the boy.  
  
"Don't get your knickers in a twist, space boy… I only put it in the washer… it was disgustingly FILTHY…." With that, Dib turned his back to the alien, and yelled up the stairs. "DAD!! Are you changed YET?? I need those clothes you were wearing!!"  
  
"YOU CANNOT HAVE THEM!!! YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY LUCKY SOCKS!!!"  
  
"DAD, JUST GIVE ME THE CLOTHES!!"  
  
"NEVAH!!"  
  
"GODDAMMIT, DAD!! GIVE ME THE DAMN CLOTHES!!! NOW!!!! OOF!!" A pile of soiled clothes suddenly landed on top of the frustrated little paranormalist. "Gee, THANKS….." Dib scooped up the pile, and brought them down to the laundry room. Meanwhile, Membrane merrily hopped down the stairs, and froze when he saw the little SIR out of his costume.  
  
"PARROT!!! GOOD GOD, COVER UP, MAN!! YOU'RE OBSCENE!!!" The Professor covered his eyes, and tried to find his way to the couch without bumping into anything.  
  
"I'm NAKED!" GIR squealed happily.  
  
"You're just damn proud of your nakedness, aren't you?" Gaz quipped cynically.  
  
"I'm NAKED!!!" GIR repeated, just as cheerfully.  
  
"Dad, you don't have to cover your eyes… he's just a robot… there's nothing there to SEE…"  
  
"Oh. Okay…" Membrane uncovered his eyes. "OOOoooooh….NEAT!!!" Membrane tapped on the little SIR's head, which made a tinny, hollow sound… "You're a SHINY parrot!" Gaz just rolled her eyes as the Professor continued tapping on the little robot's head.  
  
"PARROT, YOU IS MAH BUDDY!! WE'S GONNA BE FRIENDS FO-EVAH!!" Membrane scooped up the little robot, and set him on his shoulder.  
  
"YAY!!!" GIR threw his little metallic arms up in the air.  
  
Zim eyed the pair suspiciously. "Not if *I* can help it…." He mumbled to himself.  
  
Gaz threw a glare at the alien. "Hey, you should be HAPPY that they're friends! He isn't bothering YOU anymore!"  
  
"Hmph….as if I'm actually going to trust him hanging around you foul HUMANS…. ESPECIALLY the DIB…."  
  
Gaz just huffed, and turned her back to the alien.  
  
"Parrot, you is like the doggy-thing buddy I never had!!!" Membrane tossed the little robot in the air, and swiftly caught him.  
  
"WHEEEEE-HOOOOOO!"  
  
"Dad, I thought you HAD a dog when you were little…?" Gaz queried of her father.  
  
Just then, Dib entered the room, wiping off his hands on a towel. "No, Uncle Nucleus said they experimented on it too much, so grandma took it away. Remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah…"  
  
"Well, it's getting pretty LATE…what time is it now, Gaz?"  
  
Gaz checked her watch. "Almost 9:30…"  
  
"Hmmm…. Perhaps we should start deciding the sleeping arrangements…"  
  
Zim piped up suddenly. "SLEEPING arrangements? You did NOT say anything about SLEEPING in this STINK hole!!"  
  
"Tough nuggets, green one…We'll figure out this mess in the morning… AND, we can get some coffee for Dad…at least, I HOPE that will help…I'm worried he might be too far gone for that…"  
  
"Don't even SAY something like that, DIB…If anything, we can have a doctor check him out, or something… there's got to be SOMETHING that will make him NORMAL again…" Gaz chimed.  
  
"And the sooner Dad becomes NORMAL, the sooner YOU'LL be able to take GIR, and go HOME…"  
  
Despite his tremendous lack of intelligence, GIR still managed to somehow understand the general gist of the conversation. When the morning came, he would never see Mr. Pirate Man again… it would be back at the base like every other day, and left all alone all day long until Master came home, and even then, Master just either ignored him, or yelled at him…While GIR was loyal to his master, he just wished the alien would PLAY with him once in a while… or AT LEAST be NICE to him…  
  
What did they mean by "normal"? Was there something WRONG with the Pirate Man? Well, whatever it was, GIR LIKED him that way… He decided then and there that he HAD to find SOME way to keep Master and the humans from making the Pirate Man "normal" again…. 


	7. Gandhi Ate Milk Duds

Well, as long as I am up and fairly hyper, I have decided to write YET ANOTHER chapter to this…. INTERESTING saga… (and yet "Zim VS The Skeep" STILL only has 3 measly chapters…-_- I guess I am playing favorites…) Oh, I must add a warning…. Towards the end of this particular chapter, it becomes serious and introspective from Gaz's point of view…More than a page of SERIOUS stuff…but I just felt like it had to be in there – I do not know why. It does not seem to fit, but it is staying in there until I feel like it needs revision…ANYway…. ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!! (HOW long is this thing gonna BE, ANYWAY?? Only the yogurt really knows…)  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN!  
  
"Gandhi Ate Milk Duds"  
  
~ * ~  
  
"MACARONI!!!!"  
  
"CHEESE!!!"  
  
"MA-CA-RO-NI!!!!!"  
  
"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!!!"  
  
"MACARONI, MACARONI, MACARONI!!!!"  
  
"CHEESE, CHEESE, CHEESITY CHEESE!!!"  
  
"MAAAAAAAAAAAA-CARONI! MAAAAAAAAAAAA-CARONI!!"  
  
"CHEESITY, CHEESITY, CHEESE CHEESE CHEEEEEESE!!!!"  
  
"MACARONI IS BETTER!!!!"  
  
"NO!!!! THE CHEESE!!! THE CHEEEEEEEEEESE!!!!"  
  
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP???????"  
  
Membrane and GIR just stared blankly at the angry little girl in front of them. "But…. Macaroni IS better…" GIR whined, pouting.  
  
"No. The cheese rules above all. You cannot eat macaroni on top of broccoli. Therefore, cheese is the most supreme." The Professor stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"I beg to disagree, sir!" GIR raised a fist towards the skies. Everyone in the room just stared at the little robot for a moment. "Cuz, AH LIKES MACARONI!!! YOU CAN MAKE MACARONI MOOSES!!!!"  
  
Zim just sighed and shook his head. "I STILL do not see how you can stand to EAT such earth FILTH…"  
  
"He's right, though…. Macaroni is good… especially in goulash…" Dib jumped into the conversation as he dug in the hall closet for some blankets.  
  
Zim just rolled his eyes, and continued moving around the playing cards on the tray in front of him.  
  
"Cheese is STILL better… because you can make CHEESE CRACKERS!!" Membrane persisted arguing.  
  
"NUH-UH! Macaroni is THE BESTEST!! You can make NECKLACES out of it!!"  
  
"Will you two CUT IT OUT??" Gaz snarled, her tiny hands balled into fists.  
  
The two ninnies just sat quietly for a moment, then the scientist nudged the little robot in the side. "Shampoo…."  
  
"CONDITIONER!!"  
  
"SHUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!" Gaz screeched loudly, her shrill voice shaking the whole room. She threw a couple of sleeping bags and blankets at the pair. "And MAKE YOUR BEDS! Dad gets the couch…"  
  
"WHOO! COUCH!!" Membrane jumped onto the sofa, and formed a little tent around himself with a blanket. "THERE IS A BEAR IN MY CAVE!!! WHERE IS RAQUEL WELCH?!?!?"  
  
GIR, too, hopped up onto the sofa, and formed a blanket-cave around his little metallic frame. "MY cave is full of BAT DOOKIE!!"  
  
Gaz just rolled her eyes and turned to her brother. "We'll just sleep on the floor, I guess…"  
  
"But, what about our BEDS???" Dib regarded his sister curiously.  
  
"You actually want to leave THOSE three ALONE down here?" Gaz motioned to the cuckoos on the couch, and the card-playing Irken in the corner.  
  
"Ah…I see your point…" Dib proceeded to unroll his UFO-decorated sleeping bag.  
  
"What….you do not trust ZIM??" The little alien seemed genuinely insulted by the comment.  
  
"OF COURSE NOT!!! You think I would let an ALIEN just WANDER FREELY about my HOUSE while I SLEEP?? Dream on, Space Boy!!" With a little wave of his hand, Dib dismissed the idea as ridiculous, and proceeded to fluff up a few pillows.  
  
"Hmph…!" Zim just crossed his arms and sniffed haughtily. "I am more trustworthy than a filthy HUMAN…"  
  
"Whatever…" Dib ignored the alien, and continued setting up sleeping arrangements. "Are you planning on sleeping in that chair, or what?"  
  
"Hmm?" Zim looked up at the human boy, then shifted around in the recliner. "Yes, I suppose this will be fine…But where is MY blanket? Oof!" The Irken's question was promptly answered as a couple of blankets and pillows landed on top of him.  
  
"Now, MAKE YOUR BED, ZIM! Or NO DESSERT!!!" Dib grinned evilly as the little alien sneered at him, then proceeded to get himself ready for bed.  
  
"WHOO! THIS IS JUST LIKE PLAYING 'HOUSE'!!" GIR exclaimed happily. "Master can be the MOMMY!" Dib unsuccessfully tried to stifle a chuckle as the Irken cast a death glare upon him.  
  
"And DIB can be the DADDY!"  
  
Gaz burst out laughing as Dib looked slightly sickened. "NO way… NOT gonna happen!!"  
  
"WHOO-HOO! I get to be GRANDMA!" Membrane exclaimed enthusiastically.  
  
"Heh heh…. WHO'S YA DADDY?!??" Gaz elbowed her sibling, and started laughing even louder.  
  
Dib just rolled his eyes and pointed over at the Professor. "HE is… and he's YOURS, TOO…"  
  
"BOO HOO! ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID, BUT NEVER A BRIDE!!!" Membrane cried suddenly, pulling the blanket over his head like a nun's habit.  
  
Gaz sighed, exasperated. "Don't remind me…"  
  
"WHOO! CHECKA DIS!! I GOTS ME ONE FIIIIIIINE BOO-TAY!" GIR stood up on the sofa and shook his little metallic rump at the rest of the group.  
  
"I wonder what Sir Mix-A-Lot would have to say about THAT?" Dib wondered out loud.  
  
"He'd probably say it needs to be BIGGER…" Gaz responded blandly.  
  
"J-LO GOT NUTTIN' ON THIS!!! WOOT! SHAKE-A MAH BON BON!"  
  
Dib put a hand to his forehead and wondered briefly if they were EVER going to get the little SIR to settle down enough so that the rest of them could SLEEP…  
  
"HOT DAMN! THIS BE SOME GOOOOOOOD BACON!!!" Membrane was sitting in his "cave" on the couch chewing on a small notepad.  
  
"That's NOT bacon…" Gaz pulled the notepad out of her father's mouth and promptly discarded it in the trash…  
  
"IS TOO! It is SPIRALLED bacon! GIMME BACK THAT BACON!!!" Membrane dove for the trash bin, but Gaz pulled it away just in time.  
  
"NO…" Gaz went to hide the trash can as the Professor sat on the couch and pouted like a spoiled child.  
  
"The couch monkeys will not stand for this indignation… DO NOT TEMPT ME TO UNLEASH THE ONE-LEGGED SPACE CHICKENS!!" Membrane called out to his daughter.  
  
"You're NOT gonna eat out of the TRASH!" Gaz yelled from the kitchen as she hid the trash bin in the cabinet under the sink.  
  
"AWWW! Nutbunnies…" The Professor pouted, and crossed his arms.  
  
"You shouldn't be eating trash ANYWAY… you could get some sort of…. disease….thing…" Dib commented as he finished setting up his sleeping area.  
  
"I LIKE DISEASES!!!" GIR squealed happily whilst jumping on the couch.  
  
Dib just rolled his eyes. "That's nice, GIR…I'm sure you would probably enjoy it in some sick, sad way…Though, I doubt YOU could actually GET any diseases…"  
  
"Aww… why not?" GIR cocked his head at the young paranormalist.  
  
Dib sighed, exasperated. "Because you're a ROBOT, GIR…."  
  
"Oh. OKAY!" GIR continued bouncing around on the couch. Dib just shook his head, and got himself ready for bed. He removed his trench coat and boots, and set them on the table. He then settled himself into his sleeping bag.  
  
"Am I the ONLY one who plans on getting some actual SLEEP tonight?"  
  
"I guess so!!" GIR cheerfully squealed while he continued bouncing around on the couch.  
  
"SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!!!" Membrane yelled suddenly, shaking a fist at no one in particular.  
  
"Oookaaaaaaaay….." Dib rolled his eyes, then pulled a pillow over his head in a futile attempt to block out noise.  
  
"He actually has a point, human STINK…" Zim commented from in the corner as he pulled a blanket over himself. He grinned smugly. "Irkens need little or no sleep to function properly each day…"  
  
"Well, isn't that nice for the IRKENS…Maybe that's why you're all INSANE…" Dib grumbled from beneath the pillow.  
  
Zim's eye twitched. "And just what is THAT supposed to mean, you repugnant pile of fetid earth WASTE?!?"  
  
"It MEANS that I am trying to SLEEP, and that you should SHUT UP now…"  
  
Zim snorted. "Well, maybe I don't FEEL like it!"  
  
"And maybe I feel like giving GIR a bowl of PURE SUGAR and a GRENADE…"  
  
"WHOO! I LIKE GRENADES!! THEY MAKE THINGS GO BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!" GIR chirped, and started running circles around Membrane, who was trying to belch the Chinese alphabet.  
  
Zim looked genuinely afraid. "You wouldn't DARE…"  
  
Dib lifted up his pillow just enough so that he could be heard, and called out to his sister in the kitchen. "GAZ, DO WE HAVE ANY SUGAR???"  
  
Zim grumbled something out of earshot, then reluctantly settled himself into his blanket.  
  
Gaz suddenly emerged from the kitchen, holding a bowl of cereal. "I just used the last of the sugar on my cereal… what did you want it for?"  
  
Dib mumbled from under the pillow. "Nothing… nevermind."  
  
Gaz glared at her brother for a moment, then just shrugged, and sat at the living room table. Dib looked up at her as she sat down. "You're eating CEREAL? NOW???"  
  
"I'm hungry. Mind your own business."  
  
"Whatever…Your stomach is a bottomless PIT…." Dib buried himself back under the pillow, and again attempted to get some rest.  
  
Gaz ignored her brother's comment, and turned on the TV to watch while she ate her cereal.  
  
"Thundercats! HO - OOOOOO!!!!" Lion-o's voice came booming from the TV set.  
  
Dib growled, and sat up. "Do you HAVE to watch TV NOW??? I'm trying to SLEEP over here!!! You know… if you haven't NOTICED…"  
  
"I need something to watch while I eat! Go put in some earplugs, or something…"  
  
Dib sighed. "Earplugs could not help me now…" The raven-haired boy ducked back into his sleeping bag and tried to curl up into it as much as possible.  
  
Membrane and GIR, meanwhile, had decided to break into SONG…  
  
"When the men on the chess boooooooaaard…. Get up and tell you where to go- oooo…."  
  
"And you've just had some kind of mushrooooooooom…. And your mind is moving loooooooooow…."  
  
"GIR!!! MUST you make that INFERNAL RACKET??" Zim growled at his SIR unit.  
  
"It's not RACKET, Master! It's JEFFERSON AIRPLANE!!!"  
  
"I don't care WHOSE airplane it is!!! STOP SINGING, and BE QUIET!!"  
  
"Awww….." GIR settled down into his blanket. Membrane, on the other hand, continued singing.  
  
"Go ask Alice…. I think she'll knoooooooooooooooooow!!"  
  
"Dad, you shut up now, too!" Gaz reprimanded, mouth full of cereal.  
  
"Aw, nuts…" Membrane pulled the blankets back over his head, and finally quieted down… for about half a minute.  
  
"But first I gotta BANG BANG the BOOGIE to the BOOGIE!!" Membrane jumped up and started doing some kind of insane monkey dance on the couch. "Say UP jump the boogie to the BANG BANG BOOGIE!!"  
  
Gaz's eye was twitching agitatedly. "SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP AND SLEEP, OR I'LL TEAR YOUR TONSILS OUT!!!!" She screeched, her shrill voice piercing the eardrums of everyone in the room…even those who didn't HAVE ears….  
  
"HA HA! I already HAD my tonsils taken out when I was LITTLE!! NYAR NYAR!!!" The scientist blew an obstinate raspberry at his daughter.  
  
Gaz snarled and threw her now-emptied cereal bowl at her parental unit, hitting him right between the eyes.  
  
"Mambo…?" Membrane mumbled with a rather surprised look on his face, before falling straight to the floor – and landing right on top of his napping son.  
  
"EEEEEYAAAAAH!!!! MY SPINE!!!" Dib fiercely struggled to crawl out from under his fallen paternal figure, and finally managed to squeeze his way out. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??"  
  
"I threw a bowl at Dad to shut him up, and he fell." Gaz replied nonchalantly.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR??? He could have CRUSHED me!!!!" Dib complained, a hand to his aching back.  
  
"I didn't know he was gonna FALL…"  
  
"Yeah, WELL…." Dib struggled for an answer. "You could have also given DAD a CONCUSSION!!"  
  
Zim, who had been sitting in the corner with his arms crossed watching the argument, suddenly piped up. "Maybe NOW he'll be more COHERENT!! Hopefully, it jarred him back to his SENSES! At least, I'm ASSUMING he is usually SOMEWHAT more NORMAL… for a HUMAN, anyway…"  
  
"Oh…..SHUT UP!" Dib snapped at the Irken, who just shrugged, and curled back up in the chair.  
  
While the two rivals had been exchanging their usual banter, Gaz had picked up the cereal bowl, and brought it back into the kitchen. Unbeknownst to her, she had been followed by a certain little robot…  
  
Gaz was slightly startled at the little SIR's presence when she turned to go back towards the living room, but quickly gained her composure. "What NOW?"  
  
GIR still had the blanket wrapped around him, and he looked up at the angry little girl with wide, questioning eyes. "What's gonna happen to the Pirate Man?"  
  
"What?? WHAT 'Pirate Man'??" Gaz was slightly annoyed at what she perceived to be more random nonsense from the little robot.  
  
"Mr. Pirate Man that you threw the bowl at!"  
  
"Oh…You mean DAD?" The little SIR nodded. "Aw, he'll be fine…"  
  
GIR shook his head. "No, I mean what gonna happen to him TOMORROW?"  
  
Gaz looked confused for a moment. "What are you talking about??"  
  
"You said that you was gonna make the Pirate Man NORMAL again…"  
  
"Well, YEAH… We HAVE to…"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well… because he's gotta go back to WORK, I guess…"  
  
"Work?"  
  
"Science-y things…You know… finding cures for diseases and stuff…"  
  
"Oh…" The little robot said quietly, looking down at the floor. "Why?"  
  
"Well… because….." Gaz paused for a moment, thinking. "Because that's just what he DOES…"  
  
"Can't somebody ELSE do it?"  
  
"I GUESS…..I don't know…why don't you go ask DIB, or something?!?"  
  
"No, he's SLEEPIN'…"  
  
Gaz sighed, tired. "Look, why don't you just go to BED, OKAY?"  
  
GIR was silent for a moment, then just nodded once in acquiescence. "Okay…" He said quietly, before shuffling off back into the living room.  
  
Gaz just shook her head, and watched the tiny robot as he exited the kitchen. She almost felt SORRY for the little guy… despite her heartless demeanor, she DID have some shred of a conscience. But, what could she do? Dad HAD to get back to work EVENTUALLY…or else they'd have NO family income… and even their savings weren't enough for three people to live off of for more than a year or so… Still, she imagined that life with someone as anally retentive as Zim probably wasn't the most pleasant for a free spirit like the little SIR… But, life had to move on… she'd NEVER be able to get back to her video games if she had to keep babysitting her FATHER… Oh, and there was school, too…though Gaz thought she could probably do without Mr. Elliot's annoying, oddly effeminate voice for a while…  
  
GIR shuffled back into the living room and hopped up onto the couch. The Professor lay sprawled on the floor in front of the couch, out like a light. Dib had managed to free his blankets from under his father, and had curled up on the other side of the couch. His Master looked rather peaceful, curled up in the recliner in the corner. The TV was still on, and still tuned to the Cartoon Channel, where the Thundercats were engrossed in another thrilling battle against the evil Mumm-Ra and the horrible Mutants. For once in his life, GIR was not at all interested in watching television. The little robot hopped off the couch and turned off the big TV.  
  
Gaz had just entered the room, and saw the little metallic minion turn off what she assumed was his favorite thing in the world. She just stood still for a moment, and watched the Irken robot solemnly walk back over by the couch, but stop short of jumping up to it, and instead curl up with his blanket by the fallen Professor. She looked across the room at the others, who seemed to have managed to fall asleep, then back at the robot, who lay curled up in a warm little bundle by her father's side. GIR obviously hadn't noticed her come into the room…  
  
Gaz gathered up her blankets and pillows, and walked over to the couch. She stepped around her father and the robot, and set up a little bed for herself on the side opposite her sibling. She looked over at Dib, who was sleeping peacefully under his unzipped sleeping bag… napping blissfully under a blanket of stars, planets, and flying saucers…The things that he so loved, but so annoyed her with…  
  
As much as she hated her brother, she still cared about him in only the way that a perpetually annoyed little sister could…He was still her big brother, after all… her flesh and blood. As much as they bickered and argued over every tiny detail of everyday life, it still seemed like he had always tried to be there as a sibling when he felt he was needed…Maybe grudgingly at times, but he was not a bad brother, as far as older brothers went…and he put up with the constant abuse, both physical and verbal, that she subjected him to on a daily basis without fighting back. A lot of older brothers treated their sisters MUCH worse… she had to be thankful for her brother because of that.  
  
Gaz sighed, and rested her head on her pillow. Her GameSlave sat on the table in front of the couch, but for once, the normally enticing electronic games did not interest her… After going nearly the whole day without playing it, it would be almost silly to start now. She was left with the option of actually THINKING about things for once….And perhaps it was time to…  
  
As dysfunctional as their family seemed, it was the way things had always been… at least, since their mother passed away… Gaz couldn't remember much before then…she was, after all, quite young. She actually envied her brother for his year ahead of her… an entire year more that he got to actually KNOW and REMEMBER their mother…Perhaps, she thought to herself, it might even have been one of the reasons she held such a grudge against her sibling for so many years. Dib was at least old enough to remember her… He still never talked about her, though. The only memories Gaz had were the few photographs that were hidden in various old photo albums, and the necklace she wore all day and night. Her mother had made it for her when she was very young…she could not even remember when it was given to her, but she never took it off.  
  
Gaz briefly looked over at the sleeping alien in the corner. Zim…it was indeed odd that, after so many years of listening to her brother's constant babbling about aliens, he actually DID find a REAL, LIVING one… Strangely enough, despite how fantastical it would be to most people, Gaz didn't care much at all. She always knew the green student was a tad odd, so it was almost unsurprising when she discovered his true form by accident while trying to retrieve her brother. She had always categorized the alien on about the same level of annoyance as her sibling, though she had to admit that his presence at least gave Dib something to do other than sit up on the roof all night… because the more he was home, the more likely he was to eat up all the good snacks…  
  
Gaz chuckled to herself…it was rather sad, really… if they weren't so bent on destroying each other, her brother and the Irken soldier were otherwise so very alike that they perhaps may have even become FRIENDS… But, such was the way of the world, she supposed… Besides, it was too fun to tease them...  
  
Gaz had to admit… when her brother set his mind to something, he never gave up on it… he was insanely persistent, and quite dedicated to his "work"… he was really a lot like their father…  
  
Gaz looked down at the tiny robot sleeping next to her unconscious paternal figure…As ingratiating, precarious, and tiresome as the day had been thus far, Gaz could not deny it was a day she'd never forget…it was actually sort of FUN, in an odd, twisted sort of way…And, unlike every other day in her life, Gaz had actually had the opportunity to spend more than an hour with her father…Sure, he had been annoying as hell, but it was still better than the harsh silence of an empty house, save for the occasional blip from her GameSlave…  
  
Her GameSlave… she dedicated so much time and energy into that machine… it wasn't solely for gaming purposes, either… When her mother passed away, her father had seemed to distance himself from his children… keeping himself locked away in his lab, toiling away on the latest miracle cure, or amazing time-saving invention… As much as she resented it, she figured it was his way of coping… not the best way, perhaps, but neither was burying oneself in the constant comforts of an electronic game…  
  
Today, however, had been different… she had seen a different side of her father… a side with a sense of HUMOR… a TWISTED and DICEY sense of humor, sure, but a sense of humor nonetheless…She rather envied Zim's robot companion, who had formed such a close bond with her father over the course of a mere day…  
  
She began to seriously wonder what was going to happen come the morning…WOULD they be able to make their father NORMAL again?? And what would happen to GIR? Would the Professor remember all that had happened on that day? Would he remember the close friendship he had created between himself and the little SIR? And what would happen, seeing as he had now seen GIR in his robotic form??  
  
While her mind was still plagued with questions, Gaz eventually, like her sibling and her circumstantial house guests, managed to drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep… 


	8. The Zantac Pigeon Rides Again!

ANOTHER chapter... While the beginning of this was originally supposed to be the end of the previous chapter, it seemed like a better beginning to a chapter than an ending, so.....yeah. But, THERE WILL be more hilarity... and HOPEFULLY, within the next two chapters, I will get this story wrapped up... (after which I can tend to my poor, neglected "Zim VS The Skeep" fic...) ANYWAY... I suppose I should get on with it...  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT!!!  
  
"The Zantac Pigeon Rides Again!!"  
  
~ * ~  
  
The sun was just beginning to rise over the rooftops of the suburban houses... a myriad of warm shades of pink, red, and orange, whirled together in one of nature's most magnificent spectacles, shone brightly between the two peaks of the double roof under which three humans, an alien, and a robot peacefully slept.  
  
Many people wonder if androids and robots dream of electric sheep. If such was the case, then things would be indeed as peaceful as they appeared. However, inside the paperclip-and-bubblegum brain of a certain little Irken SIR unit, all was not as well as it might be...  
  
It had started out as such a wonderful, peaceful, and happy dream... GIR and the Pirate Man sat at the living room table, eating pizza and watching the Scary Monkey show... then they played cards, and GIR actually won EVERY TIME! Then, they played catch with Master's boots, and Master didn't even get MAD! They were having SO much fun... But then, all of a sudden, Master and the humans took the Pirate Man by the arms, and started dragging him away... GIR found himself suddenly chained to the leg of the table, like when Master had tied him up to that tree that one time... He couldn't move, and couldn't stop them from dragging his friend away. They took him out the door, which then slammed shut behind them. As soon as the door closed, GIR was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, all alone... There were strange noises all around him, but he couldn't see anything in the darkness. The noises kept getting increasingly louder and louder, and were very frightening to him...  
  
GIR was kicking and whimpering in his sleep, which awoke the little girl on the couch above. She leaned down, and shook the little robot by his metallic shoulder. "GIR!! WAKE UP!!"  
  
The blackness dissolved, the noises suddenly stopped, and GIR awoke with a start, screaming loudly. The little SIR's screams of fright quickly awoke the other occupants of the room...  
  
Dib rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "What's going on??" He inquired, still groggy with slumber.  
  
"I think he was just having a nightmare... GEEZ, STOP SCREAMING ALREADY!!!" Gaz lightly bopped the little SIR on the head, ceasing his cries of fear.  
  
"HEY!! DO NOT HIT PARROT! HE IS MAH BUDDY!" Membrane suddenly sat up, and scooped up the little robot into his arms like a baby.  
  
Gaz just sighed and shook her head as The Professor began tossing the little SIR in the air and catching him effortlessly.  
  
"WHEEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" GIR screeched happily whilst in midair.  
  
Gaz looked over at her brother, who was yawning and stretching to wake himself up. "Well, what's the plan for today?"  
  
"Hmm?" Dib looked over at his sibling while in mid-stretch. "Well, I suppose we go get coffee...Then maybe we should get Dad a doctor's appointment.... I mean, this kind of reaction to lack of caffeine can't be NORMAL...."  
  
"DON'T STAND ON THE FLOOR! THE FLOOR IS SPOILED!! LIKE MILK!!!!" Membrane cried suddenly. He and GIR were standing on top of the living room table, looking slightly panicked.  
  
"Yeah...For once, I think we AGREE....." Gaz looked over at her father and the robot on the table, who were cautiously poking at the floor with sticks. "HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?!?"  
  
"Uh oh..." The Professor jumped off the table, the little SIR right on his heels, and made a mad dash for the back door.  
  
"COME BACK HERE!!!!" Gaz yelled after the pair.  
  
"What's wrong?" Dib queried of his sibling while cleaning his glasses.  
  
"Who gave those two sharp, pointy OBJECTS???"  
  
"They probably brought them in from outside..." Dib carefully put on his glasses, leaving them to rest on the bridge of his little button nose. "I wouldn't worry too much about it..."  
  
"You actually TRUST them enough to let them RUN AMOK with SHARP, POINTY STICKS???"  
  
"Gaz, Dad's got his goggles on, and GIR's a ROBOT!! They can't put their eyes out."  
  
"It's not THEIR eyes I'm WORRIED about..."  
  
*SNOOOOOOORRRRRK!!!*  
  
The two siblings turned to where the obnoxious noise had come from. In the far corner of the room, Zim lay sprawled out on the recliner in quite an undignified manner, still blissfully asleep, and snoring loud enough to wake the dead.  
  
"How can he snore so loud if he doesn't have a NOSE?" Gaz wondered out loud.  
  
"Oh, for the love of Pete...." Dib mumbled to himself, then stomped off into the kitchen. He returned moments later with a large ice cream bucket full of cold water. Gaz's eyes went wide as she realized what her brother was about to do.  
  
"Hey, won't that HURT him?" Gaz raised her eyebrows questioningly.  
  
Dib grinned wickedly at his sister as he walked over to where the little alien was still napping. Dib positioned the bucket directly over the sleeping Irken and tipped it slowly, the liquid contents spilling out onto the appointed target and sizzling on contact.  
  
Zim's large ruby eyes shot open, and he screeched in pain as the earthly water burned his alien flesh.  
  
"Heh...You know, you REALLY shouldn't sleep so late, ZIM..." Dib smirked at the little alien, still holding the empty bucket over his head mockingly.  
  
Zim glared at the raven-haired boy, then jumped up from the chair, and fiercely tried to shake off the miserable water that caused him so much pain. The alien quite successfully managed to splatter the two siblings in the process.  
  
Gaz just huffed and stormed off towards the kitchen for some paper toweling. Dib nonchalantly wiped off his glasses with his sleeve, and gave Zim a rather annoyed look as the Irken continued wiggling about like a shaggy dog after a bath.  
  
"You can stop ANYTIME now, ZIM..." Dib snarled. Zim froze in mid-wiggle and looked back at his nemesis with a triumphant smirk.  
  
Dib narrowed his eyes in anger at his rival, but before he could speak, the sound of blaring car horns pierced the air. Dib ran to the window and flung open the curtains to see his father and the robot lying in the middle of the road, with a small line of cars blaring their horns at them. The two adversaries just looked at each other for a moment, then took off out the front door just as Gaz entered the living room, toweling herself off.  
  
"HEY! What's going on?!?" The little girl abandoned the paper towel on the floor and ran off after her brother and the alien.  
  
The three ran out to the road where the Professor and the little SIR were sprawled out like corpses in the way of oncoming traffic. "Dad, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Dib demanded of his paternal figure.  
  
"We're playing `Follow the Leader'!!" Membrane exclaimed happily.  
  
"HE'S the LEADER!!!" GIR sat up and pointed at a dead squirrel festering on top of a few dead leaves and candy wrappers on the other side of the street.  
  
"EEWWWwwwww......" Gaz crinkled up her nose.  
  
Dib rolled his eyes. "C'mon, you have to get out of the street..."  
  
"Why?" Membrane sat up and cocked his head at his son.  
  
Dib sighed, frustrated. "Because otherwise, all these people won't be able to get to work, and besides, the police might come and ARREST you for being a public NUISANCE..."  
  
"Awww......okay...." The Professor grudgingly got up and dusted himself off. "C'mon, Parrot!!! LET'S GO SWIMMING!!!"  
  
"YAY!!" GIR jumped up, and the two ran towards the back of the house.  
  
Gaz seemed slightly confused. "Where are they going to go SWIMMING? WE don't have a POOL..."  
  
The three looked at each other a moment, then took off after the troublesome pair. They found the scientist and the robot in the backyard, digging a giant hole in the ground like a couple of stray dogs burying a bone.  
  
Dib buried his head in his hands. He had a feeling that they would be paying for all kinds of assorted property damages YEARS after this was all over.... His hands balled into fists, and his eye twitched. Dib's lip started to curl slightly. He slowly walked up behind the terrible twosome, and unleashed his pent up anger through his lungs.  
  
"QUIT DIGGING UP THE YARD, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!" Dib screamed, his voice echoing throughout the quiet suburban neighborhood.  
  
Membrane and GIR were so startled by the boy's outburst that they ended up falling face-first into the shallow hole that they had been digging.  
  
Dib still stood behind them, shaking slightly, teeth bared, and on the verge of hyperventilation. Gaz cautiously came up behind him. "What was THAT about??"  
  
The young paranormalist seemed to come to his senses a bit, then adjusted his glasses. "I......don't know...." Dib shook his head, trying to gather his bearings. "I guess I had just....had ENOUGH...."  
  
Zim walked over to where GIR and the Professor lay face-down in the dirt, and gently tapped his SIR unit on the back of the head. "GIR?"  
  
The little robot jumped up suddenly, so startling his master that the little alien tumbled backwards, landing right on his Irken rump.  
  
"LOOK, MASTER! SPAGHETTI!!" The little SIR held up a filthy, dirty worm, then eagerly slurped the disgusting thing down his metallic throat.  
  
"You should not eat worms, Parrot. They have COOTIES..." The Professor sat up in the dirt next to his robotic friend, and brushed himself off.  
  
Dib shook his head and regarded his father incredulously. "Okaaaaay....I think it's about time we got you some COFFEE....."  
  
COFFEE. The word struck a harsh chord with the little robot. Coffee was what Master and the humans were going to use to make Mr. Pirate Man NORMAL again... GIR could NOT let that happen...  
  
"Master, let's play SIMON SAYS!!!" GIR eagerly suggested.  
  
"NO, GIR....For once, we do what the Dib-human says, and go get some disgusting COFFEE..." Zim was still trying to brush the remaining dirt off of his behind. "Maybe THEN we can finally go HOME.... And put this horrible MESS BEHIND us...."  
  
"Heh... the `mess' is ALREADY `behind you'..." Gaz chuckled, pointing at the alien's dirty bum.  
  
Zim just sneered at the human child, turned on his heels, and angrily stormed back into the house to clean off his pants.  
  
"But, I WANNA PLAY `SIMON SAYS'!!!" GIR whined, stomping about with his little metallic feet.  
  
"ME TOO! I WANT TO BE SIMON!!!" Membrane exclaimed, picking up the little SIR and tossing him up in the air.  
  
"WHEEEEEEEEEE-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SIMON SAYS! SIMON SAYS!!!" GIR squealed happily.  
  
The Professor stopped tossing the little SIR in the air a moment, and cradled him in one arm. He put a hand to his chin, thinking. "Hmmm........What does Simon say today???"  
  
"Ooh! I KNOW!!! Simon says, ACT LIKE A MOOOOOSE!!!" GIR chirped.  
  
"Quiet, YOU! I'M Simon!! I'M the one what does the sayin'!!" The scientist admonished the little robot. "YOU THERE!!!" He pointed at Dib and Gaz. "DO AS SIMON COMMANDS!!! Ummmm......." Membrane thought for a moment. "ACT LIKE A MOOOOOSE!!!!"  
  
"You didn't say `Simon Says'!!" GIR pointed out.  
  
"You pipe down, or I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!!!" The Professor reprimanded, then turned back to his children. "Simon says, ACT LIKE A MOOOOOOOSE!!!!"  
  
The two siblings looked at each other a moment, then just shrugged and did as they were told. Dib made little "antlers" with his hands, and made what he assumed to be moose-like noises. His sibling did likewise.  
  
GIR cackled with delight. "YEEEE-HEEEEE-HEEEEEEEEE! LOOKIT THE MOOSIES!!!"  
  
"NOW.....Simon says......SMELL YOUR FEET!!!"  
  
"Aw, C'MON!!! Can't we just GO and get the COFFEE already??" Dib whined.  
  
"YOU ARE ANGERING SIMON!!!"  
  
"C'MON, Dad! Let's just GO already!!" Gaz sided with her brother.  
  
"DO NOT MAKE SIMON OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS!!"  
  
"Oh, Jesus Christ ..." Dib muttered under his breath, putting a hand to his forehead.  
  
Zim suddenly emerged from the house, pants mostly free of dirt. "Those strange bathroom appliances of yours....actually come in HANDY, human..." Zim held up a cordless hair dryer. "Especially this.... AIR GUN thing...."  
  
"That's a HAIR DRYER, ZIM..." Dib commented to the little Irken.  
  
"Whatever..." Zim tossed the dryer over his shoulder.  
  
"HEY!! THAT'S MY ONLY HAIR DRYER, YOU GREEN FREAK!!" Gaz ran after her discarded dryer to make sure it was still in working order. Zim, meanwhile, walked on past her and up to face his nemesis.  
  
"YOU!!!" Membrane pointed at the alien before he could speak. "You WILL obey SIMON!!"  
  
"The almighty ZIM obeys NO ONE!!! NOOOOO OOOOOOOONNNNNNE!!!!" The alien screeched, raising a fist at the tall scientist.  
  
"SIMON IS DISPLEASED WITH YOU!! YOU MUST NOW BE DISCIPLINED!!!" The Professor pointed an accusing finger at the alien, then picked the little Irken up by his petite waist with one gloved hand.  
  
"AWFUL WAFFLE!!! AWFUL WAFFLE! AWFUL WAFFLE!!" GIR chanted enthusiastically.  
  
"No. He deserves a much worse punishment...." Membrane carried the alien over to a large, dying potted plant sitting on the back steps. He then turned the Irken upside down, and plunged him head-first into the black soil. The alien screamed muffled obscenities at the scientist while his head was planted firmly in the dirt.  
  
Membrane released the Irken from his grasp. Zim struggled for a moment, then finally managed to pull his head out of the soil. He quickly shook off, then stood to face the belligerent scientist.  
  
"ERGH...YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT, HUMAN!!!!" Zim pointed a finger at the Professor.  
  
"Cash or credit?" Membrane cocked his head at the fuming alien.  
  
"Eh?" The odd comment caught the Irken off guard.  
  
"OOH! Can I pay with ROCKS? I have no money....But I have lots of rocks."  
  
Zim raised an eyebrow at the scientist. He didn't know quite what to make of the absurd comment. But, it DID serve to dissolve his anger... Zim sighed, and left the Professor and the robot to revel in their stupidity.  
  
Dib, meanwhile, had been allotted enough time to come up with a plan to get his father to go with them to get coffee.  
  
"DAD!!! THE POOR PIGEONS!!! GENGHIS KHAN IS HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE AT THE KWIK MART!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THE PIGEONS!!!" Membrane wailed, and took off in the direction of the gas station, still carrying GIR.  
  
Gaz shot her brother a rather condescending look. "Genghis Khan?"  
  
"Hey, it WORKED, DIDN'T it? Now COME ON!!" Dib started to run after his father.  
  
"WAIT! What about ZIM?" Gaz yelled at her sibling.  
  
"Uh.... YOU STAY THERE AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T TRY ANYTHING!!!" Dib yelled back, and disappeared around a corner.  
  
Gaz sighed, and shook her head. If there was one thing she DIDN'T feel like doing right now, it was babysitting that annoying ALIEN... She supposed she had better go in the house, and make sure he wasn't getting into her STUFF....  
  
Dib, meanwhile, had followed his father to the Kwik Mart, where, unfortunately, he and GIR had discovered the CANDY AISLE....  
  
"Oh NOOOOOOO......!!!!"  
  
~ * ~  
  
Short chapter, I know... but I have two exams tomorrow that I need to study for! Besides, I am suffering from a real burnout right now... But I promise the next chapter will be chock full of fun and jocularity!! If I am lucky, I MIGHT be able to tie this thing up in the next couple of chapters.... If only I could figure out how to resolve everything, yet make it a HAPPY ending... 


	9. ChewedUp Rubber Purple Clown Feet Preven...

Okay… after a VERY long hiatus, I have finally decided to sit myself down and write ANOTHER CHAPTER! YAY! I never thought so many people would read this…*_*'' OH! And now there's an ILLUSTRATION! It's been up at my site for some time now, but I recently put it on Side 7:  
  
http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=110608  
  
HUZZAH! :D BTW, I don't own the show, the characters therein, or any products I may mention here. All I own is the picture I drew above……  
  
ANYHOW…it is now time for CHAPTER NINE!  
  
  
  
"Chewed-Up Rubber Purple Clown Feet Prevent Motion Sickness"  
  
~*~  
  
"JESUS CHRIST IN A WICKER HAMPER!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING????"  
  
The Professor and the robot froze in place and stared at the obese bearded man in the grease-stained Budweiser shirt. The little SIR unit was completely covered with nacho cheese, and Membrane, for whatever ungodly reason, had bubblegum tattoos all over his face. A sloppy mess of candy wrappers, nacho crumbs, and spilled cheese pooled out around their feet.  
  
"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY STORE RIGHT NOW!!" The large man screamed, and pointed towards the exit. Just then, Dib burst through the glass double doors, the little bell at the top comically ringing to herald his arrival.  
  
"WAIT! PLEASE! WE JUST NEED TO GET SOME COFFEE! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!!" Dib blurted out, then ran to confront the clerk. The little trench-coated boy seemed to drown in the big man's shadow. "Look, my Dad NEEDS coffee! He's acting like this because we ran out!!!"  
  
The clerk eyed the boy suspiciously, then looked over at the two troublemakers, who now seemed to be enthralled with watching the hot dogs turning 'round and 'round in the cooker…  
  
"And if I get you the coffee, you'll take those two and GO AWAY?" The fat man spoke, still keeping an eye on the two cuckoos in the back of the store.  
  
"Yes… And you'll never have to deal with them again…" Dib's face seemed pale and gravely serious. "Okay?"  
  
The fat man scrutinized the boy for a moment, glanced back at the Professor and the robot, and then turned towards the counter. "Yeah, alright…" He walked back behind the counter, then pointed towards where GIR and Membrane seemed to be trying to figure out how the hot-dog cooker worked. "The coffee's back there. And by the way, you're paying for the nachos and candy that they ate, as well as anything else they eat or break in here. So you'd better make it quick and keep an eye on those two, got it??"  
  
"Yeah…I know…" Dib heaved a sigh, and walked back towards where the chubby clerk had pointed. He swiped a can of Fogey's coffee off the shelf, then grabbed his parental unit by the collar and stomped back up to the front counter, with GIR following close behind. Dib slammed the can on the counter, and released his hold on Membrane's collar so that he could get out the money to pay the angry chubby bearded man. Of course, as soon as he was released, the Professor dashed towards the back of the store again, diving onto the floor and sliding head-first into the pile of candy wrappers and cheese.  
  
"Sweet angry Jesus….." Dib growled under his breath, then turned back to the clerk and slammed the entire contents of his pockets onto the counter. He fished out a $10 from the pile and flicked it across the counter. "HERE!!! MONEY!!" As the fat man rang up the purchase, the young paranormalist loudly stomped his way to the back of the store, grabbed his father by an ankle, and angrily dragged the scientist back to the front of the store, leaving a giant smear of cheese across the floor, as well as making a really annoying squishy/squeaky sound. GIR quickly followed, happily stomping around in the leftover trail of cheese.  
  
The clerk raised an eyebrow at this strange scene. "You're pretty strong for your age, kid…" The chubby clerk commented as he put the can of coffee in a bag.  
  
"Being pissed off tends to do that to people. Now would you give me my damn CHANGE, please???" Dib snarled, grabbing the bag out of the fat man's hand.  
  
"Jesus, don't get your panties in a twist, kid, I was just sayin'…."  
  
Dib pointed a finger at the bearded man. "SHUT………UP. CHANGE……..NOW!!!!"  
  
"Christ, HERE!" The greasy clerk slapped the change down in front of the fuming boy. Dib snatched it up quickly, giving one the fat man one last death glare before stomping out the front doors, still dragging Membrane by the leg. GIR hitched a ride on the scientist's shoulder as he was being dragged, happily chattering on about something to do with Phil Collins, a lawnmower, and a bag of oatmeal.  
  
Dib released his father's ankle when they reached the sidewalk out in front of the store. GIR hopped off the Professor's shoulder as he got up from the ground. Dib turned to face his paternal unit, and gave a look of disgust at the sight before him. The entire front of the scientist's uniform was covered in cheese, gravel, and all sorts of other assorted filth that must have gotten picked up along the way.  
  
The boy put a hand to his forehead for a moment, and again looked over at his father. He put his hands on his hips, sighed, and shook his head. "Now that is NEVER going to come out…You know that, don't you?" Dib crossed his arms and regarded his father with a stern look. "That's TWO uniforms you ruined today! Can't you ever keep yourself CLEAN? I worked so hard to get that other uniform clean, and look what you go and do!! Do you realize how long I'm gonna have to pre-treat that to even get it OFF- WHITE?? Well, that's IT, little mister!! You are SO GROUNDED!!!"  
  
GIR giggled, and pointed at the Professor. "OOOOooooh…you got GROUNDED!!!"  
  
"As for YOU, little man…" Dib pointed at the robot. "As soon as we get back, we are going to tell your master exactly what you did!!"  
  
GIR's eyes went wide and started to water, and he sniffled pathetically. Dib shook his head. "OH no, that face is NOT gonna work THIS time, young man! Now MARCH!" Dib pointed towards the direction of the house. GIR pouted and hung his head as he walked past the angry boy towards the house. "You too!!" Dib motioned to his father. Membrane followed GIR, and Dib walked behind both of them. He looked like a mother hen keeping her chicks in line…  
  
Meanwhile, back at the house, Gaz was, as usual, becoming quite annoyed. She watched Zim as he seemed to be sneaking around the house, scrutinizing everything in site. The little girl snarled, one eye opening frighteningly wide. "What are you doing, ZIM??"  
  
Zim turned away from his examination of the Membrane-shaped lamp. "I am doing nothing that concerns YOU, you pathetic little meat creature!! Now go away and play your little game…machine….thing." Zim made little "shoo shoo" motions with his hand as he continued poring over the Membrane-lamp.  
  
Gaz just rolled her eyes, then walked up behind the alien. "Are you trying to 'find out weaknesses', or something?" She questioned mockingly.  
  
"Um… NO…" Zim lied, and poked at the lamp some more.  
  
Gaz suddenly grinned wickedly to herself. "You KNOW……" The girl looked over the alien's shoulder. "I know what DIB'S weakness is…."  
  
Zim's antennae perked up at this, and he quickly whirled around and grabbed the fuschia-haired girl by the shoulders. "WHAT IS HIS WEAKNESS?!?!? TELL ME!! TELL MEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Zim suddenly released his hold on the human girl and stepped back. "Eh………er……I mean..…. SO?" The alien crossed his arms and tried to feign indifference.  
  
Gaz's grin widened. "You don't want to know what his weakness is?"  
  
"Why would I care what his weakness is??" Zim lied, comically unconvincing. "It's not like he's the only thing that stands in the way of me taking over the planet, or anything…." The alien nervously watched for the human child's reaction out of the corner of his ruby cabochon eye.  
  
"Well, I guess if you don't care, then there's no sense in telling you…." Gaz slowly turned to go towards the kitchen, just slightly waiting for the alien to react.  
  
"Er…..WAIT!"  
  
Gaz grinned to herself, and turned back to the alien. "What?"  
  
"Eh…..just…..out of curiosity….."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"It's not like I want to know for any OTHER reason than just… curiosity….."  
  
"Yeeeeeess????" Gaz's grin had spread across her face so much at this point that she looked like like some deranged Cheshire cat...  
  
"But… uh…..what…..IS…his weakness?" Zim twiddled his thumbs, trying not to act too excited.  
  
"Weeelllllll…….." Gaz pretending to scan the room for any potential "spies", then motioned for Zim to come closer. Zim moved closer, and Gaz whispered the secret in his ear…or where one would BE, anyway…  
  
Zim suddenly shot upwards. "WHAAAAAT????? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!!!"  
  
"Oh, but I AM, Zim…It's his ONLY WEAKNESS…"  
  
"And you say that if, for example, *I* were to do this… not that I CARE, or… or WOULD, or anything….that Dib would…." Zim froze.  
  
Gaz nodded slowly, still grinning madly, and then made a throat cutting motion with her finger.  
  
"Excellent…." Zim muttered excitedly under his breath.  
  
"WHAT was that, Zim??" Gaz eyed the alien knowingly.  
  
"Er….nothing!" Zim straightened up and pretended to cough.  
  
"Oh, but of course……it won't work if you don't say the magic words with it……." Gaz commented slyly.  
  
"What?? Magic WORDS???" Zim regarded the girl disbelievingly.  
  
Gaz nodded. "It's the ONLY way it will work… you have to say the words…"  
  
"Er…." Zim fiddled with his collar. "And um…..what… ARE these words? Just out of curiosity, you know… It's not like I'm gonna…. You know…TRY IT, or anything…."  
  
Gaz grinned, and again motioned for Zim to come closer, and again whispered something into his non-existant ear. Zim's ruby eyes widened, and he glared skeptically at the human child.  
  
"Those are the words! You have to say it for it to work!" Gaz insisted.  
  
"Whatever…." Zim crossed his arms and turned his back to the human girl. She couldn't see that he was smirking evilly to himself, mind already busily planning his defeat of the human boy.  
  
Just then, the front door burst open, and Dib stomped in, pulled Membrane by his collar, and GIR by his antenna. He marched up to face a slightly surprised Zim, and let go of the robot's antenna.  
  
"Zim… GIR has something to TELL you… DON'T you, GIR???" Dib looked down at the robot admonishingly.  
  
GIR nodded slowly, then walked up to his master. "Master…." GIR started, then paused, looking back at Dib.  
  
"Go on now, GIR…. Tell Zim what you did…"  
  
GIR turned back to his master and started nervously babbling. "Master, we didn't do nothing! We was just playing in the store and eating nachos!"  
  
"As well as making a giant mess all over that poor man's nice clean floor! Now he'll have to spend all afternoon cleaning up!" Dib added, reproachfully.  
  
Zim cocked his head at the human, and gave him an odd look. "….SO??"  
  
"What do you MEAN, 'SO?'…Aren't you going to punish him??" Dib crossed his arms.  
  
"What do you want me to DO? Give him a SPANKING?" Zim commented sarcastically.  
  
"Well, I don't know! He's YOUR robot! Don't you think he deserves some kind of PUNISHEMENT for his behavior??"  
  
Gaz was watching this odd scene quite curiously, one eyebrow raised and an amused half-smile on her face. "Dib, you're acting like a prissy Catholic school teacher!"  
  
Dib glared over at his sister as Zim was busy trying not to laugh. "I AM NOT!!!" He insisted.  
  
"You are TOO! You're acting like a prissy little Catholic school teacher!" Gaz smiled wide as her sibling's cheeks began to turn red.  
  
"I AM NOT ACTING LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER!" Dib stomped his foot and put his hands on his hips.  
  
Gaz burst out laughing at this, and pointed at her brother. "Oh, SURE you aren't, Sister Mary Mother McCree!"  
  
Zim couldn't help laughing at this. Dib growled in his throat, but decided to ignore the alien. He marched up to his sister. "Now, just because I believe in punishing negative behavior doesn't mean I'm acting like a prissy Catholic school teacher. Dad always taught us…." Dib continued to ramble on while Gaz just seemed even more amused…  
  
While Dib had his back turned on Zim, the alien realized that he suddenly had perfect chance to exact his vengeance and finally rid himself of the Dib-human once and for all…  
  
Zim quietly snuck up behind Dib while he continued lecturing his sibling. Gaz noticed the Irken, but made sure not to show it. Zim froze for a moment as he tried to remember those magic words the Dib-human's little sister had told him…Zim struggled for a moment, trying desperately to remember what the words were. He finally remembered when Gaz dropped him the hint by mouthing out the words. Now Zim could finally be rid of the only obstacle in his plans for conquering this filthy little planet… It was time to finally exact his vengeance….  
  
"COOTCHY COOTCHY COO!" Zim bellowed, then reached out and pinched Dib's butt.  
  
Gaz had to put her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing as Dib spun around to face the alien that just goosed him.  
  
"ZIM, WHAT IN THE HOLY **FUCK** DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!??!?!?!?" Dib regarded the alien incredulously.  
  
Zim seems confused for a moment, then angry. "Wait a minute! WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?!?!?!? You're supposed to be DEAD by now!!" The alien pointed at the human boy.  
  
"WHAT IN THE HAIRY OLD HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU FREAKY LITTLE GREEN ILLEGITIMATE TELLYTUBBY?!?!?!?" Dib fumed, enraged at having "his innocence violated" by his worst enemy.  
  
"Hmm… maybe I didn't do it right somehow…I'm pretty sure I did it the right way, but maybe I'd better try again just to be sure…" Zim thought out loud, then eyed the human boy maliciously.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT'??? AND YOU'D SURE AS HELL HAD BETTER **NOT**, **EVER** TRY THAT AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODDAMN MALODOROUS LITTLE CRAP MUFFIN?!?!?" The young paranormalist screeched. However, his words went ignored as Zim dove at him and again tried to make a grab at his behind.  
  
Dib quickly flung around, defensively covering his backside with his hands. "WHAT IN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU BELIGERENT LITTLE FUCK?!?!? QUIT TRYING TO GRAB MY ASS!!!"  
  
"YOU DON'T SCARE ME, SAD LITTLE EARTH MONKEY!! Why don't you just GIVE UP and submit to the power of ZIM!" The Irken gave a strange sort of battle cry and again flung himself at the human boy.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHH!!!! FUCKING BUCKETS OF HELL!!! GET AWAY FROM MY ASS, YOU FRUITY LITTLE RAT BASTARD!!! Dib screamed as he tried to protect his posterior from Zim's Alien Death Pinch.  
  
"NEVER, EARTH SCUM! NOW, SURRENDER YOUR BUTTOCKS TO THE IRKEN EMPIRE!!!"  
  
Gaz could have died laughing at Zim's last comment. The normally deadpan little girl almost choked from laughing too hard…  
  
"GEEZ, ZIM!!! I KNEW YOU WERE CRAZY, BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE *GAY*, TOO! HEY!!! YOUR HAND DOES **NOT** BELONG THERE!!!!!!!" Dib shrieked and made a mad dash for the kitchen.  
  
"ERGH…COME BACK HERE, AND SUBMIT TO MY MIGHTY PINCH OF DOOOOOM!!!!!" Zim cried, then took off after his rival.  
  
Gaz was literally rolling on the floor holding her stomach, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. This was even better than the time she told Zim that breasts were explosive….  
  
After a few seconds of trying to calm down, Gaz finally managed to get up and stumble after her brother and the alien…  
  
"ARE YOU COMPLETELY FUCKWIGGED OUT, YOU INSANE LITTLE GREEN LECH?!?!? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO PICK UP A TRICK OR SOMETHING, 'CUZ THERE IS **NO WAY** I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!!" Dib was now using a tin pie pan to protect his precious posterior.  
  
"WHAAAAAT????????" Zim's eyes suddenly got bigger than his voot cruiser, and his face turned dark green. He backed away slightly. "WHAT IN THE HELL GAVE YOU THAT IDEA, YOU CRAZED LITTLE HUMAN PORK MONSTER????"  
  
Dib seemed flabbergasted. "YOU'VE BEEN CHASING ME AROUND TRYING TO GRAB MY ASS!!! WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?!?!?"  
  
"YOU DISGUSTING, PUTRID LITTLE BAG OF STENCH!! I'M TRYING TO **KILL** YOU, NOT **SCREW** YOU!!!"  
  
"HOW THE FUCK IS GRABBING MY ASS SUPPOSED TO **KILL** ME????" Dib demanded of the alien.  
  
Zim suddenly froze, and turned back towards the kitchen doorway, where Gaz was still laughing her fool head off. "YOU DECEITFUL LITTLE MENSTRUAL CRAMP!! YOU LIED TO ME!!!!" Zim flung himself at the laughing little girl, who merely stepped aside, still laughing, causing Zim to fly past her and crash head-first into the side of the living room couch.  
  
Dib angrily approached his cackling sibling. "GAZ, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL HIM?!?!??"  
  
Gaz managed to finally compose herself. "I just told him that if he grabbed your ass and said "Cootchy cootchy coo", you'd die…" Gaz grinned malevolently at her older brother.  
  
"YOU CANTANKEROUS LITTLE SHIT!!! WHY WOULD YOU **DO** SOMETHING LIKE THAT???" Dib screamed in his sister's face.  
  
"I need REASONS??"  
  
Dib sighed, exasperated. "You know, you are like this annoying little boil on my ass sometimes, you know that???"  
  
"Whoa, did Zim pinch you THAT hard???"  
  
"Oh, THAT'S IT!!! YOU ARE *SO* *DEAD*!!!!"  
  
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!"  
  
The two siblings stopped and turned towards the doorway to see a somewhat frightened-looking Zim trying to catch his breath.  
  
"What is it???" Dib inquired of the scared alien.  
  
"THEY'RE GONE!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT????"  
  
"THEY'RE NOT IN THE HOUSE!!!!"  
  
"Oh, SHIT…." Dib slapped his forehead.  
  
"We'd better start looking for them…" Gaz grabbed Dib by the collar and started towards the front door. Just as the three were about to leave, Dib noticed an empty bag lying in the middle of the living room floor.  
  
"Hey…wait a minute, where's the can of coffee that was in here??" The two siblings looked over at Zim.  
  
"Hey, I didn't take your disgusting filth beverage!!"  
  
"They must have taken it, then…" Dib looked at the empty bag in his hands.  
  
"Well, then let's go find them!!!" Gaz grabbed her brother and the alien and kicked open the front door. However, they didn't have to go far to find what they were looking for…  
  
GIR and Membrane sat in the middle of the front lawn. The Professor seemed preoccupied with trying to pluck every single blade of grass out of the ground. The little robot, however, was unusually motionless….  
  
The siblings and the alien slowly, cautiously approached the little SIR…  
  
"GIR?" Zim spoke quietly so as not to startle him. However, the robot did not budge. Zim walked around to face his little metallic minion. GIR was just staring into space, not even aware of his master in front of him. Dib and Gaz walked over to where Zim was.  
  
"What's wrong with HIM??" Dib cocked an eyebrow at the robot's unusual stillness.  
  
"GIR!!" Zim barked at his SIR unit, still getting no response.  
  
"Is he DEAD, or something?" Gaz cocked her head curiously.  
  
"NO… he's FINE…… GIR, KNOCK IT OFF!!!!" Zim demanded of the little SIR.  
  
Suddenly, GIR's face started to twitch slightly. Then, his arms and legs also started into a manic twitch. The little robot started to make strange little noises that sounded like someone was beating a squirrel with a hammer.  
  
"Well, he seems to be fine NOW…." Dib deadpanned.  
  
Zim glared at his rival. "Oh, blow it out your ass……"  
  
The human boy smirked somewhat triumphantly, and turned to go take a seat on the curb. "Heh…Man, Zim, your race really seems to SUCK at building robots…" He chuckled to himself. "I guess this proves that humans are the superior ra-AAAAAAH!!!" Dib tripped over something and landed face-first into a puddle. "Aw, JEEZ!!!"  
  
"HA! Clumsy FOOL! You can't even walk without tripping over your own two fe-EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" Zim ended up tripping over the same thing that Dib did, and landed backwards onto the grass. Gaz walked over and picked up the offending object.  
  
"It's a Fogey's coffee can…."  
  
"Well, at least we FOUND it…" Dib stood up and tried to wring the water out of his hair.  
  
Gaz popped the lid off the top of the can, and looked inside. "Um….it's…EMPTY…"  
  
"WHAT??" Dib screeched and snatched the can out of his sister's hands. "IT CAN'T BE!!!!" The siblings suddenly froze and looked over at their father.  
  
"Dad…" Gaz queried. "Did YOU eat the coffee grounds that were in this can?"  
  
Membrane regarded his children incredulously for a moment, then declared, "THERE'S A BUNION ON MY ONION!!"  
  
Gaz and Dib rolled both rolled their eyes. "Well, it wasn't HIM…."  
  
The siblings and the alien suddenly froze in fear and looked over at GIR, who was still sitting on the lawn, twitching and making strange noises….  
  
"OH….SHIT…………"  
  
~ * ~  
  
UH oh… GIR ATE ALL THE COFFEE!!! What kind of effect does caffeine have on a ROBOT??? Heh… FIND OUT IN THE NEXT THRILLING INSTALLMENT! Whenever that may be….. 


	10. Now With New And Improved Lemon Scented ...

Well, I figured it was time for yet another chapter of this insanity.. But I STILL don't have any clue how to eventually wrap this thing up.. -_-' And I promise not to let this chapter be too short.At least, I'm going to TRY, considering my hectic schedule this semester.... ^_^ But I don't know about expecting anymore 11-page chapters.... (how long IS this thing???) ANYHOW.on to CHAPTER TEN!  
  
"Now With New And Improved Lemon Scented Marshmallows"  
  
~ * ~  
  
**twitch**  
  
**twitch twitch**  
  
"Zim, I'm hoping to God right now that eating coffee grounds doesn't make that thing EXPLODE.."  
  
"Er..."  
  
"What, it DOES????"  
  
"OF COURSE NOT!! Eh.that is...I don't really KNOW, actually..."  
  
"Oh, of course. I mean, if you actually KNEW these things, that would make our lives FAR too EASY..."  
  
"SHUT UP, DIB-WORM!"  
  
Dib just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He's green with antennas, and he calls ME the worm.."  
  
Zim growled at the human child, then turned his attention back to his robotic companion. "GIR...?"  
  
**twitch twitch**  
  
"Tsk tsk, Parrot. that dance went out a long time ago! You should try the "Time Warp" instead." Membrane commented, curiously watching his little robotic buddy twitching on the lawn.  
  
Zim directed an annoyed glance at the Professor, then carefully approached his twitching SIR. The Irken scooped up the skittish robot, and carried him over to the front porch of the house. The rest of the group quickly followed behind.  
  
Dib crossed his arms as Zim set the little robot on the bottom step of the porch. "Well, NOW what???"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW! I suppose all we can do is wait." Zim stood silently and simply watched his minion.  
  
"What, we just wait around here for something to happen?? Oh yeah, Zim, now THAT sounds productive.." Dib scowled and rested a closed fist on his hip.  
  
"And just what do YOU suggest, oh putrid one?"  
  
"Well, while YOU can sit around and babysit that robot of yours, someone can go get some more COFFEE.."  
  
GIR suddenly snapped to attention. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" He screeched, holding his head. The little SIR then proceeded to go completely fucko bazoo.  
  
"JESUS, ZIM! What the HELL is WRONG with that thing???" Dib started to back away slowly as the robot kept screeching like a banshee and flipping around all over the place.  
  
"I thought maybe YOU could explain that, STINK beast!! It's YOU HUMANS' infernal..COFFEE.that's done this!!!"  
  
"Sure. Blame the coffee." Gaz commented dryly, seeming rather apathetic to the situation.  
  
Zim was about to respond to the human girl's sarcastic remark, but suddenly, GIR inexplicably stopped screeching and collapsed onto the ground. The other four beings on the lawn just stared at the little fallen SIR for a moment, completely dumbfounded.  
  
"Aw. Parrot go nap nap." Membrane cocked his head and eyed his little robotic buddy curiously.  
  
"MAN.. That thing sure is BIPOLAR.."  
  
Zim glared at the human boy. "Keep your Eskimo talk to yourself, human STINK!"  
  
"Uhh..what?"  
  
"Hey, look! He's getting up!!!" Gaz pointed at the robot. GIR was slowly starting to sit up from his position on the grass.  
  
Dib cautiously jumped back, and Zim eyed his SIR unit suspiciously, waiting for the robot to start flipping out again.  
  
"......................................" The little robot said nothing for a moment, but just looked slightly apathetically at his master and the human children. After a very long, tense moment of silence, the little minion finally opened his metal mouth to speak... "Would you mind not staring like that? It makes me rather uncomfortable...." The little SIR spoke in complete deadpan.  
  
"What the foosh.?" Dib cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"He's..."  
  
"You know, I really don't think standing there and gawking, for whatever reason you are, is going to aid our situation any..." GIR stood up, brushing small fragments of mud and debris from his chrome posterior.  
  
"He's....COHERENT!!" Gaz finished, eyes wide at the strange scene before her.  
  
"NOT POSSIBLE! He's..FINE! He's just... um..." Zim fumbled for an excuse for his SIR's behavior.  
  
"Heh... obviously, you don't even realize that coherency is a GOOD thing...." Dib smirked, folding his arms.  
  
"Huh. never thought I'd see THAT.." Gaz continued watching the little robot prissily dusting himself off, now with a rather amused look on her face.  
  
"What ARE you all going on about? I think we have much more important things to discuss here at this time, wouldn't you agree?" GIR crossed his metallic arms and regarded the three with an uncharacteristically serious look.  
  
While the two human siblings stood rather dumbfounded, Zim's mind was already busily going over the possible good that could come from this situation... "Hmm.... In this state, he's more like an average SIR unit... only without the overly obsessive compliance... In this frame of mind, he would make just the perfect minion to assist me in the annihilation of this filthy little ball of dirt..."  
  
"WHAT was that, ZIM??" Dib inquired, eyeing the little Irken suspiciously.  
  
Shit. He'd said that out loud... "Oh, nothing... nothing at all....." Zim grinned widely, though unable to mask the inherently malicious overtone to his smile.  
  
Dib glared at the alien. "Yeah, RIGHT....."  
  
Meanwhile, Membrane had been watching his friend's behavior with much curiousity. He slowly approached his little buddy and tapped him on his big metallic head. "Parrot? Are you in there??"  
  
"Er... I'm sorry, but if you don't mind, that isn't the proper name to address me by." GIR spoke in an eerie monotone, like a certain gameshow host that also does eyedrop commercials.  
  
Membrane's eyes started to water behind his thick goggles. "PARROT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?? YOU USED TO BE MAH BRUDDAH!!" The Professor fell to his knees and raised a fist towards the heavens. "WHYYYYY??? WHY MY PARROT??? WHYYYYYYY????"  
  
"Excuse me, but I would think someone of your mental calibre, at least judging by your uniform, would be able to easily distinguish that I am in fact a standard issue information-gathering android, and not an earthly exotic bird of the Psitacidae family...." The SIR sounded like a monotonous narrarator from a Discovery Channel documentary...  
  
Membrane's lip quivered under the tall collar of his lab coat, and he suddenly started bawling. "NOOOOOO! PARROT!!!! WHY HAVE YOU BROKEN OUR FRIENDSHIP LIKE THIS?? YOU JUST DON'T LARVE ME ANYMORE!!" With that, the Professor ran back into the house crying like a spoiled child who wasn't allowed dessert.  
  
"Hmm... I now see that it is obvious that this man needs help in returning him back to his former state of lucidity... But how exactly do we go about it...? This is quite a quandry...." GIR rested his little robot head in one metal claw and pondered the situation.  
  
"Oh, now this is all just TOO weird...." Dib pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering to himself.  
  
"It's like some kind of freaky role-reversal... How DISNEY....." Gaz just shook her head, and followed her beleaguered father into the house.  
  
Zim was still grinning wickedly and plotting to himself, oblivious to the others around him. Dib glared at the alien momentarily, then stomped up behind him and smacked him upside the back of the head. "KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! NO CONCOCTING EVIL SCHEMES ON MY LAWN!" And with that, the young paranormalist stalked into the house after his sibling and parental figure.  
  
GIR turned to his master, gave a brief salute, and then spoke in a rather commanding tone. "Sir...if it is alright with you, I believe the right thing to do here would be to remedy this situation to return things back to their normal state, therefore reducing any unforseen threats to our mission, Sir!" The robot clicked his heels (or where his heels would be if he had any discernable ones) and marched in a rather odd goose-step into the house after the three humans.  
  
"Hmm...." Zim thought out loud to himself. "While the unhinged state of their parental unit WOULD keep the Dib-human and his filthy little sibling occupied enough to keep them away from MY business, I suppose it would still be better to return things to their natural order... after all, I can't have that repugnant scientist-human meddling in my affairs with his stupid.......STUPIDNESS....." With one last final "Hmph!", the Irken joined the rest of the group in the Membrane house.  
  
~ * ~  
  
Inside, Membrane was sitting on the couch moping while his daughter tried her best, in her own sardonic way, to console him.  
  
"C'mon, Dad, it's okay! You had to become sane eventually! Otherwise, if you didn't go to work, we wouldn't have the money to get anything to EAT anymore...."  
  
"Eat?? With FOOD?" Membrane sniffled. "ME AND PARROT USED TO DO THAT!!" The Professor started bawling again, and Gaz just sighed and shook her head.  
  
"Sheesh... I can't believe he's taking this so badly...." Gaz patted her father on the back, then got up and walked to where Dib was standing with GIR in the kitchen doorway. "Well, what do YOU two suggest?"  
  
"As your sibling here has informed me, this behavior in your father was brought on by lack of caffeine, mainly from this substance you humans call 'coffee'. Therefore, the only logical course of action would be to get enough caffeine circulating back into his system to return him to his formitive state." The little SIR rationalized.  
  
"Uh....... what he said...." Dib added, looking a little flustered at the robot's now-superior reasoning capabilities.  
  
Gaz smirked to herself for a brief moment, then focused back on the subject at hand. "Well, somebody better run and go get coffee again..."  
  
"I guess that means me...." Dib sighed, glancing at the SIR unit standing next to him. "But this time, I'll go ALONE..."  
  
GIR merely nodded, gave a brief salute, and retreated into the kitchen, where he took a seat at the kitchen table to await further orders. Gaz and Dib stared after him, then turned back to each other.  
  
"I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether he was better BEFORE, or AFTER he ate that can of coffee...." Dib commented with a slight curl in his lip.  
  
"Even if he was a pain in the ass, at least before he was ENTERTAINING..." Gaz added dryly, "Now he just acts like a cross between Jeff Goldblum, Joe Friday, and a NAZI..."  
  
Dib almost chuckled at his sister's comment, though you would never have been able to tell even if he did. Extreme fatigue had nearly diminished his ability to make any facial expressions besides the obvious irritability.  
  
"Well, I'd better get going..." Dib turned to leave and nearly ran into Zim, who was just entering the domicile.  
  
"And where are YOU going, HUMAN??"  
  
"I'm going out to get some more COFFEE, so we can END this whole thing, you IDIOT... Now get out of my way!" Dib roughly shoved Zim aside as he made his way out the front door, thoughtlessly slamming it behind him.  
  
"Hmph! Who spat in HIS boots today...??" Zim responded curtly to the boy's less-than-polite exit as he brushed himself off.  
  
"Considering the HELL we've been through in the past day or so, I think he has every right to be pissed.... Especially considering that we could have ended this EARLIER if your ROBOT hadn't EATEN the other can of COFFEE....." Gaz gave the Irken a brief death glare before retreating to the kitchen in the hopes of finding something small to snack on.  
  
Zim just gave a small "Hmph!" and turned up his non-existant nose before glancing over at the worried scientist. Membrane sat on the couch, no longer bawling, but hurt and worry still evident in his slouching posture and the nervous tapping of his foot. Zim couldn't understand for the life of him why these silly humans wasted so much time worrying about each other when they COULD be using that time to better THEMSELVES. But then again, his race wasn't exactly one built on compassion... The only reason he could see in this situation for returning the scientist back to his normal state was a monetary one... But then again, he couldn't understand why children on earth weren't automatically put in the work force as soon as they were born. "Such a backwards society... Really quite innefficient...", Zim thought briefly to himself. Not wanting to put anymore thought into such trivial matters, Zim simply plopped himself into the comfortable easy chair across from the sofa. He had no need for thinking just yet. As soon as the humans were done with their silly little matters, he could then move on to the BIGGER task at hand....the conquering and anihilation of the human race! But for now, the Irken soldier felt he deserved a little rest...  
  
~ * ~  
  
In the kitchen, GIR had remained static in his position at the table: Unmoving... unyeilding........just plain CREEPY. Gaz sat across from the robot munching on a Rice Krispy bar, not taking her low-lidded eyes off the SIR unit for even a second. Why she was staring at him like this, she could not tell. Maybe it was just idle curiousity in seeing how long the robot could sit like that without moving... Or perhaps it was the lingering paranoia that, if left unwatched, the little minion could cause even MORE untold damage. Whatever the reason, the little girl continued her silent vigil: the only noise the occasional crunch of teeth on puffed and lightly sweetened rice held together with gooey marshmellow.  
  
Keeping his gaze forward, the SIR suddenly spoke up. "I really do not understand what it is with you humans and 'staring'. It's rather RUDE, don't you think??"  
  
Gaz blinked, eyes widening for a moment, and crunched down on the piece of Rice Krispy bar in her mouth. "Sorry... I just wanted to see how long you were gonna sit still like that...." Gaz turned her chair a little so it wasn't facing the robot, and continued eating.  
  
"Is your race in so much of a constant hurry that something as simple as sitting in one place is such a novelty to you?"  
  
Gaz cocked an eyebrow at the little SIR. "It's more like the fact that it's such a novelty to YOU..." The voilet-haired girl took another bite of her Rice Krispy bar.  
  
"I don't understand your logic...."  
  
Gaz regarded the robot curiously. "You mean you don't remember at all how you had been acting before we found you out on the lawn??"  
  
"Hmm... My memories seem to be strangely vague at the moment..."  
  
Gaz smirked inwardly to herself. "Well, let's just say that getting you to sit still for more than 10 seconds would probably have required handcuffs and duct tape...."  
  
"Hmm... intriguing... I must consult my master about this, if you don't mind..." And with that, GIR hopped down from the table and headed toward the living room. Gaz simply raised an eyebrow at this, and continued enjoying her snack.  
  
GIR marched into the living room where his master was settled comfortably in the recliner with the footrest up, and his legs laid out across it. The Professor seemed to have worn himself out with grief, and lay napping on the couch across from him. The little SIR walked up to the chair where his master was relaxing comfortably, and cleared his metallic throat to draw attention to his presence.  
  
Zim lazily opened one eye and looked down at his metallic minion. "GIR? What is it now??" The Irken asked, slightly annoyed.  
  
"Sir!" GIR saluted. "I have a little matter to discuss with you concerning my standard protocol of behavior." GIR clicked his non-existant heels. "It has been brought to my attention that my current behavior is not in line with my original mode of function. I just wanted to check with you to ask about any adjustments that should be made in my behavioral standards in order for me to operate at optimum efficiency." The SIR unit nodded once in finality to his superior.  
  
"Eh??" Zim almost didn't understand the robot's complicated gibberish in his relaxed state. "Oh, er... no no, no adjustments need to be made. You're operating just fine, GIR. Now, go away... and let me get some well- deserved rest!" Zim made little "shoo shoo" motions with his gloved hand, and went back into his resting position. GIR simply took what his master said as the gospel truth, and started on his way back into the kitchen. Before exiting the living room, the SIR glanced over at the sleeping Professor. There was something about this particular human that felt like it was supposed to be IMPORTANT.... However, he couldn't place just what it was, no matter how hard he tried. Oh well... if it was important, it was sure to come to him eventually. After all, he WAS an ADVANCED model of a SIR unit... that much he knew to be true......And it WAS true... wasn't it? GIR simply shook his head and continued into the kitchen, taking his same place back at the kitchen table, where Gaz was now busy occupying herself with her GameSlave.  
  
"Welcome back..." Gaz commented rather apathetically as she was already absorbed in her gameplay.  
  
GIR simply nodded, and continued to sit motionless across from her, as before. Gaz just rolled her eyes: unaware that while the robot's body remained motionless, the mind was working at unimaginable speeds. What was it about that other human that was of so much importance? And why couldn't he remember anything about his previous behavior? This more than puzzled the SIR until he inexorably broke his streak of immobility and frowned to himself in consternation.  
  
"What's with YOU?" Gaz queried, not looking up from her GameSlave.  
  
For a moment, the robot wondered how the human child had noticed the change in his expression, but quickly shrugged it off. Some of these humans managed to be impressively cognizant of their surroundings... "I just don't understand....Why is it that my memory cannot recall my past behaviors or experiences? It is as though I was only created just earlier today, and yet I know this is not the truth!"  
  
Gaz just shrugged. "Maybe that coffee you ate fried your system...."  
  
"Coffee? I imbibed such a horribly unhealthy substance??"  
  
"Well, it was more like you ATE it...it was just coffee grounds when you swallowed it..."  
  
"I see.... Though I still don't understand how that would have such a profound effect on my system... Also, what is it about that other human in that room that somehow seems of importance?" GIR cocked his head curiously at the human girl, and for a moment, the posture almost made him seem like he was back to his old self again...  
  
"You really DON'T remember anything, DO you? You two were practically best buddies... "bosom companions"...... You don't remember any of that AT ALL?"  
  
GIR shook his head slowly. "No... I don't remember anything at all before awakening out on the lawn..."  
  
Gaz put her hand to her forehead. Boy, was THIS going to make things difficult....  
  
~ * ~  
  
Meanwhile, Membrane awoke from his nap on the living room couch. Zim was peacefully slumbering in the recliner across from him. The Professor sat up, a little groggily at first, and tried to adjust his eyes. When the blurriness faded, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his own home, and then remembered the situation. His parrot friend had suddenly become cold and unfriendly... Membrane frowned behind the collar of his lab coat, wondering what had happened to his little compadre to make him change so dramatically. But then he had remembered what had happened just before then... When they had been sitting out on the lawn, his friend had grabbed the can of coffee from inside, and had swallowed the entire contents of the can in almost one single gulp. The COFFEE! It MUST have been that! It wasn't until after he ate the coffee that he started acting so strangely! "Hmmm....." Membrane rested his head in his hand. In order to make his parrot friend happy and friendly again, he would have to reverse te affects of the coffee. But, how does one go about doing such a thing? Give him the OPPOSITE of coffee? But what would THAT be...??  
  
It was then that the Professor's mind finally started to click into place, though not entirely of course. "Coffee has caffeine... caffeine makes most people hyper, because it's a stimulant...." Membrane thought out loud to himself. "So, the opposite of a stimulant would be.... a depressant! When your pooch has too much pep, try 'Doggy Downers'!" The scientist froze for a moment, and tilted his head to the side. ".............Doggy?" Membrane shook his head. "No! Must... think! Must use brain..... for sake of..... PARROT! ..... AHA!! Caffeine is a stimulant.......so what's a depressant?? Hmm......... depressant......." The Professor desperately attempted to search through the catalogue in his brain to find the info he wanted... though the prolongued lack of caffeine in his system was certainly hindering his progress... The scientist looked over at the sleeping alien...  
  
Membrane picked up a small pillow and chucked it at the Irken soldier, hitting him square in the face. Zim awoke with a start. "WAH.... WHAT WAS THAT FOR, HUMAN?!?!?" Zim yelled, holding up and shaking the pillow with one gloved hand.  
  
"Caffeine is a stimulant, so to reverse the effects of caffeine, you need a DEPRESSANT, RIGHT?" Membrane queried.  
  
"Er... Yeah.... so??"  
  
"Well, what's a good depressant that could reverse the effects of caffeine?"  
  
"Er... I don't know! This isn't MY planet!!" Zim grumbled loudly, then turned his back to the scientist and settled back down in the chair.  
  
"Well! You are certainly no help, giant green not-prickly cactus thing!" Membrane huffed. Zim simply flipped him the bird in response. "FINE then! I'll think of it MYSELF!" The Professor sat cross-legged on the couch and tried as hard as he could to come up with a solution to his problem.  
  
"To combat a stimulant, you need a DEPRESSANT...... deeeeeepressant.......dePRESSant....... depressANT......DEpressANT....." Membrane grumbled to himself. "Well, this isn't working like I thought it would......." It was obvious that the scientist's addled brain wasn't about to let him find anything easily in such a non-caffeinated state... "Let's see... caffeine is in a lot of things you DRINK.... is there something you DRINK that's a depressant??" It was then that it finally struck him... He remembered from watching TV earlier that morning that the little cartoon people on the TV said that drugs and alcohol were bad... and that alcohol was a DEPRESSANT!  
  
"OF COURSE! ALCOHOL! But.... where am I gonna get alcohol...?" The Professor wondered out loud to himself. "Is alcohol food??" Membrane tilted his head to the side, thinking. "Nooooooo......................but sometimes alcohol goes IN food!!" The scientist suddenly stood up, having been stuck with genuine insight for the first time in the past day and a half. "I KNOW WHERE IS ALCOHOL!! ALCOHOL IN AUNT RHODA'S SKETTI SAUCE!!!"  
  
Membrane quickly made a mad dash towards the kitchen. "MUST GET ALCOHOL FOR PARROT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~ * ~  
  
Well, that's the end of THAT chapter... Will the alcohol make GIR "insane" again? Is there enough alcohol in Aunt Rhoda's sketti sauce to accomplish this? If so, does that make Aunt Rhoda a lush, or just badly in need of measuring cups? And what's taking Dib so long with that coffee? Did he get mugged by a Columbian man on a mule? And why doesn't GIR remember anything? And if Membrane's brain is finally starting to work, does that mean he won't even NEED the coffee anymore in time? Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions in the NEXT chapter - whatever the heck I happen to call it! 


End file.
